Page 76 of Ordinary Girl

“I just want you to listen.” He raises his gaze, his eyes once more locking on mine. “Please, Ana. I know it might seem like it’s too late, and maybe it is, maybe I could have done more…”

“Could have?” I know I’m pushing him, but if what he’s saying is true he won’t hurt me. So why should I make it easy for him?

“Ana, it’s hard for you to understand, I get that, but I’m not lying to you. I’m here for you, because it’s time you knew the truth.”

“The truth about what?”

He walks over to the window, raking a hand back through his hair. And I watch him closely, his body language, he’s on edge. I’ve seen it all before, I recognize the signs, now.

“I couldn’t come back any sooner, Ana. I really couldn’t.”

I shake my head, because I don’t believe him. I don’t believe anything he tells me, he’s a liar. I believe he’s my father, the photographs of him and me and Mama together prove that, but I don’t believe his story. “Couldn’t you?”

“No, I couldn’t.” He sighs again. Drops his head, again, he’s exasperated, but did he really think he could just walk back in here and everything would be okay? “Look, Ana, I really need you to listen to me.” He turns to look at me, but I’m still feeling nothing. “I need you to understand. Please.”

I sit back, glancing around me, at the photographs on the mantlepiece, of me and Mama; of Lars and Lea and me on a vacation to London and I feel tears prick my eyes as I remember that time. How happy we’d been. How excited.

“Ana?”

I look at him, and I nod. I’m tired. He can say his piece, it doesn’t mean I have to believe anything he tells me.

“Okay.” He starts pacing the floor again before going over to the window. “You don’t remember me, do you? At all?”

“No.”

“Did your mama ever talk about me?”

“I thought you were going to tell me your side of the story?”

He leans back against the window ledge. “I owed a lot of very dangerous people a lot of money, and that was my fault. I made mistakes–”

“What kind of mistakes?”

He takes a breath: swallows hard. “Gambling. A business deal that went wrong. Combine those two things and you have one very deep pit of trouble. I had no idea what I was getting into, I’d let people talk me into things I should’ve put a lot more thought into.”

“You make yourself sound weak. Nobody forced you to gamble, that was your choice, surely.”

“Yes, it was. That was all on me, but the business deal… I let myself be swayed, and that’s when the trouble started. I never told your mama what was really going on, because I’d hoped I could turn it all around, but it got out of control.”

I raise an eyebrow, and he lets out another sigh.

“Please, Ana, you have to believe me. These people, they were dangerous. Theyaredangerous. I had to leave, to protect you and Sofia.”

“Youhadto?”

“They threatened to hurt you. To hurt your mama. And they might have been bluffing, I don’t know, I wasn’t willing to take that chance. They told me if I came to work for them they would leave you both alone, but they still wanted their money. And the money your mama was paying off, she knew it was to do with my gambling debts, and she was left under no illusion that it needed paying back, but the rest of it… the business deal that went sideways, that was all on my shoulders…”

“Allof it should have been on your shoulders!” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “All of it. Mama shouldn’t have been left with anything.”

“I know. Ana, I know all of that, but it really was complicated.”

That word again. Complicated. A word people use to just wave away having to give a real reason as to why shit happened. It certainly seems that way, in this world.

“Why did my mama have to take responsibility for your debts?”

He sighs and turns away from me, and I don’t care how exasperated he is, he doesn’t get to do this and not tell me why he did what he did.

“I couldn’t do it all, Ana. I couldn’t. And I didn’t want to leave Sofia with anything, I really didn’t…” He turns back to face me, but his eyes are still cold. There’s no emotion there. And there should be something, surely? “I loved your mama.” Still no emotion. “I lovedyou, so much, and it kills me to think of what your mama had to go through…” He takes a breath, drops his head briefly, but I think it’s all for effect. He’s trying to make me believe he actually cares about any of this, but I don’t think he does. “The options they gave me, I had no choice. No choice at all. I had to do as they asked.”

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