Page 71 of Ordinary Girl

“Because a part of me had already checked out, of this. This fucked up world. Your mama, she made me want something else. Something different. She made me want a life worth living, and if that meant looking the other way…”

“Hindsight is great, you know? But dwelling on what we should’ve done, and didn’t do, it doesn’t help anything. It’s what we do now that matters.”

He smiles at me. “Yeah. Just like your mama.”

I take another look around the room. “This is really where it all happens, then? All those decisions… Where to sell the drugs: dole out the weapons–”

“Don’t make light of what we do here, Ana.” His eyes are once more cold. Dark. “We make money out of doing bad shit, yeah, I get that, but this life is all about control, and the men who come here: the people who join us, that’s what they need in their life. They need some control.”

“At the expense of what, though?”

“You know, for somebody who, not a few minutes ago, was telling me she’d chosen to stay here, you’re sure sounding like someone who’d rather we weren’t here at all.”

Maybe he’s right. I don’t like this life, I’m choosing to stay purely because this is where Joel is. Where he wants to be. And Skip knows that.

He shakes his head and lets out a low, humorless laugh. “I hope he’s fucking worth it, Ana. I really do.”

“You know him better than anyone, Skip.Ishe worth it?” Our eyes lock. But he doesn’t answer my question. “Make sure they pay, for what they did to my mama,” I say, before I leave. Walk out. I’ve said what I came here to say, and now it’s time to start living this life the wayIwant to live it. With the man I want to live it with…

The one thing I never wanted for her was to be with a man like me. And her mama, she’d been doing a pretty good job of making sure that never happened. But her mama isn’t here now, because of these men. All of them are complicit in her death: in making sure my daughter is now embroiled in a life I would never have chosen for her, and I’m well aware, given the world I live in, of the double standards that throws up, but this world was never meant for me. It wasn’t my choice, to live like this. Be like this. But shedoeshave a choice. And the fact she’s making the wrong one scares me. It’s theonlything that scares me, she’s all I have left now, and I’m not prepared to let her go to these men. These people. This world. That isn’t happening. And she won’t thank me, for doing what I’m about to do. She doesn’t know me, any memory she may have had of me will have faded by now. All she’ll know about me is that I let her and her mama down, but I really didn’t have a choice. Everything I did was done to protect them, but even that didn’t work, in the end. And that’s why I need to save my daughter, before she gets hurt. Getting her to trust me won’t be easy though, I can only hope she’s willing to give me a second chance. She’ll see it makes sense, me coming back into her life after all this time, she’ll understand why I had to do what I did, although I know she’ll fight me. Blame me. Push me away, she’ll do all of that, and I will never blame her. I deserve everything she will throw at me, but when all is said and done, I’m her father. Herfamily. This place: these people, they’re nothing to her. Nothing…

Twenty-Nine

Joel

“You cook, huh?”

She turns around and rolls her eyes, flashing me a sarcastic smile. “I had a life before this one, remember? I used to cook for me and Mama all the time.” She turns her attention back to the eggs. “She worked hard. She was home late all the time, the least I could do was cook for her.”

I circle her waist and pull her back against me, leaning in to kiss her neck. “I’m sorry.”

She reaches up to cup my cheek and smiles again, catching my mouth in a quick kiss. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Go sit down. These eggs will be ready in a minute.”

I let her go and take a seat at the kitchen table. She stayed over last night, and yet, all we did was talk. We stayed up into the early hours, drinking beer and eating pizza and we talked, about her mama. About her old life. And it was both joyful and painful to watch her as she spoke of a world she was so cruelly wrenched away from. I didn’t sleep much, to be honest. Everything this young woman has been through: everything we put her through, it’s gut wrenching. And the fact she’s choosing to stay here, in this fucked up place, because she wants to be with me, that makes me both happy and nervous as hell. Because our life won’t be a simple one, and I think that’s something she deserves. A simple, calm, and beautiful life. I’m not sure I can give her that.

“What’s on your mind?” She lays a plate of eggs down in front of me and gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze. I place my hand over hers and look up at her.

“Nothing. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.”

“Yeah. You look it. Maybe we shouldn’t have stayed up so late, huh?” She sits down too, picks up her mug and takes a sip of coffee.

“I’ve gone days without sleep, Ana. I’ll be fine.”

We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, eating our eggs, the TV on low in the background.

“Listen, Ana, what you said to Skip…”

She sits back in her chair. “It needed to be said. Although, I’m sorry for dropping you in it.”

“You didn’t.”

She arches an eyebrow. “You sure about that? ’Cause he didn’t seem too happy that you’d told me he was thinking about leaving the club.”

“Yeah, well, under normal circumstances he’d probably have kicked my ass and then some, for doing that. But these aren’t normal circumstances. He cares about you. You matter to him, and that means he’ll listen to you. He loves you, Ana.”

“I know he does. But like I told him, that doesn’t give him the right to tell me how to live my life.” She holds my gaze, and I wish we were in a million other places rather than where we are right now, but we’re not. We’re here. And this shit is real. “Don’t tell me you actually think he’s right?”

“No, Ana, I don’t think that.”

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