Page 56 of Ordinary Girl

“They know how to fuck up a weapons deal.Ourdeal.”

“And that deal, it was lucrative, Skip. That deal was worth a lot of fucking money, but I don’t think they would’ve risked fucking us over without help. And if they’re working with Renard, the head of a major crime family, then he must have some kind of problem with us. Shouldn’t we try and find out what the fuck’s going on first? Before we hit them? Because if Renard has an army with him…”

“I can’t just sit here and do nothing, Joel. I’ve done enough of that. They took Sofia away from me, they killed my unborn child, they stole my fucking future. They don’t get to walk away from that, not anymore.”

“Until we find out what’s really going on, shouldn’t we hang fire on this? We could be walking into something bigger than we can handle, and we can’t afford to do that.”

“I’ve already told you, I’ve got other charters on call. They’ll help us.”

“We don’t know what we’re dealing with, Skip. Come on!”

He downs another draft of beer, and I can see it in his eyes, he’s spoiling for a fight, for some reason. And I need to diffuse this.

“What’s the matter, Skip? You can talk to me, you can trust me, you know that.”

He takes a beat. “Not here,” he growls under his breath, slamming his empty beer bottle down onto the counter. “Outside.”

I follow him out into the yard, to a table set a little way back from the clubhouse.

“I don’t think I can do this for much longer, Joel.” Skip lowers his gaze, his shoulders hunched.

“Do what?”

He takes a second. Leaves another beat. “This.” I watch as his whole demeanor changes right in front of my eyes. That fight he had in him not a few seconds ago, it’s gone. And now he looks almost defeated. “I don’t think I can run this club. I can’t do it anymore.” He drops his head into his hands, dragging them both back through his hair, his shoulders tense.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Where’s this come from?”

“I don’t know,” he sighs, raising his gaze to the sky as the sun disappears behind a clutch of gun-metal-gray clouds. “I think I’ve been feeling it for a while, even before Sofia. She was just the catalyst. The one to make me sit up and realize that I can’t do this shit forever. I don’t want to. I’m too fucking worn down now.” He drops his head again; laughs quietly, but it’s one with no humor. “I can see why my dad left it all behind now. For my mama.” His eyes meet mine, and they’re calmer now. The coldness has gone, replaced with a sadness I’ve never seen in him before. “All of this, it’s changed me, Joel. It’s changed everything. When I met Sofia…” He takes a deep breath, dropping his gaze again. I’ve never seen him like this, ever, and it’s a real headfuck, if I’m being honest. “My dad left this world behind because he fell in love. He left because he wanted a better life, and I didn’t understand that before. I fucking get it now.” He lights up a cigarette and takes a long drag. “When I told her – Sofia – about my dad: how he left this life behind for love, she asked me if I would ever do that, and I said no. I told her I’d never do that: couldn’t do that, even though I was falling for her. I just didn’t think I was ready to admit that to myself, at the time. But it was happening. I just thought I’d be able to keep her inmyworld. I assumed that she’d love me enough to stay here,and I regret that so fucking much. If I’d just been strong enough to admit how I was feeling: realize that being with her was so much more important than this fucking club, she might be alive today.”

“You can’t think like that, Skip.”

“Can’t I? I wanted her to stay in this fucked up world because it wasmyworld, but it wasn’t hers. I should’ve been a strong man, like my dad, and known when the time was right to walk away.”

“Nobody could’ve known what was going to happen.”

“This life comes with risks, Joel. And even though we try to keep innocent people away from all the shit, sometimes you fail. You fuck up. And people who don’t deserve to get hurt pay the price.” He takes a deep breath. He’s never opened up like this, to me; to anyone, as far as I know, and he seems like a very different man right now. “Sofia was my escape.” His voice is quieter. Calmer. But there’s a hint of sadness there amongst the residue of anger. “She was my way out of this. And they took her from me.” He shakes his head, his eyes once more cold. Hard. The darkness in him is back. “So we hit them.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Skip. Not yet.”

“I don’t give a shit what you think, Joel. This is still my club, my decision, and I say we hit them.”

“And then what? We start a war?”

“We were already fighting one.”

“And what about Renard? Like I said before, we have no idea what he’s here for, or why he’s gunning for us–”

“Then you’d better start finding out.”

His eyes are as dark as coal, and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to talk him out of this one. “When do you plan on doing this?”

“I don’t know,” he sighs, stubbing his cigarette out on the table top. “Just go see if you can find out anything more about Renard. I need to think.”

I hate leaving him alone: seeing him like this, it’s a new one for me. All the years I’ve known Skip, he’s never shown this kind of vulnerability. It’s like the fight is just draining out of him, and there’s a part of me that wonders how one woman could mean so much to him when they’d only known each other for such a short time. And then I think about Ana…

Twenty-Three

Ana

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