Page 49 of Ordinary Girl

I turn my head to see Skip, and I smile at him. I’m making an effort. I’d promised myself I’d at least try and do that. “Hey.”

“Good to see you here. You need to get out of the house more, it does you no good staying cooped up in there all day every day.”

I down another draft of beer, shifting my gaze to the door. Joel still hasn’t come inside. He’s still out there. Avoiding me…? “You saying I should hang out here all day instead?” I keep my gaze fixed on the door, aware that my tone of voice carries a slightly sarcastic edge.

“We could find you a job, if that’s what you want?”

I look at Skip. “Doing what?”

“Up to you, kiddo. You could help out at the tattoo studio, or the bike shop, or, if you’d prefer, you could spend some time at the deli. That’s Elise’s baby, so I’m sure she could find something for you to do there.”

“I used to run my own business.”

“I know. Your mama told me all about it.”

“And I lost it all.” That familiar pain I’m almost getting used to starts to sweep over me again: that surreal feeling that this is all just some horrible, cruel dream.

“Listen, Ana, if that’s what you really want: if that’s what you’d like to do, we can set you up with a brand new store. We can do that, I promise.”

I stare down at the ground, willing myself not to cry. I’m done with crying. I need to be strong now. “It wouldn’t be the same. Nothing’s the same.”

“I know. I get that, kiddo, believe me.”

Skip’s voice is kind, and maybe there’s some truth in what my mama used to say about him, that he was a good man, deep down. Cady said that, too. So maybe he is, I don’t know.

I look up at him, this man who claims to have cared so much about my mama. “You really did love her, didn’t you?”

“I loved your mama like crazy, to the point where it terrified me. And I’ve never told anyone that. I certainly never toldherthat. I didn’t want to scare her away. Didn’t want her to back off.”

There’s something in his eyes when he talks about my mama, a pain that’s still raw, and in that second I feel a connection with this man, and that’s almost a comfort.

“I really loved her,” he whispers, turning his head away from me for a beat or two. “We didn’t know each other long, but sometimes, when that person appears in your life, in a way you never thought possible: a person who, all of a sudden, makes everything seem bearable, it doesn’t mean shit how long you’ve known each other. Your mama was that person. And I loved her.”

I’ve never heard him speak like this, I’m not sure anyone has, to be honest, and it’s a little jarring, but at the same time it’s making me realize that these men, they’re human too, behind the façades they like to hide behind.

“Would you have loved the baby?” I ask, because I’m curious. How much did he really want to be a dad?

Skip looks at me, his eyes still clouded with sadness.

“I would’ve loved that baby, yes, of course I would have. And I’m sorry, Ana. Sorry that I didn’t tell you your mama was pregnant, I was just – I was trying to protect you, in my own clumsy way.” He shrugs and smiles the saddest of smiles, I actually feel for him. I truly believe, now, that he loved my mama with all of his heart. But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t blame him: blame this club, in some way, for her death. I need someone to blame – someoneelseto blame, it’s the only way I’m managing to even begin to deal with everything.

Skip turns his head away again, and it’s weird, watching this strong, dangerous man appear vulnerable in front of me, but he shakes it off almost as quickly as he let it happen. “You’re all Ihave left of her, Ana.” His eyes are back on mine, and there’s a slight edge to them now. That vulnerability has gone, but I saw it. It was there. He’s human. “And I will make sure you are safe, that you’re looked after, because that’s what your mama would’ve wanted.”

I don’t know what to say. But, for a brief moment, I wonder whether fighting this shit is really worth it. WhathaveI got outside of this place now? Nothing. I have nothing. Nobody.

“Thank you,” I whisper, because I don’t think I’ve ever said those words to him. Ever thanked him. Because, like it or not, his club, despite everything else that happened: everything I blame them for, they saved me.

“You’re one of us, Ana. And we look out for our family… Hey, Joel! I need a word, in the office.”

My eyes immediately focus on the door, on Joel, but he isn’t looking at me. He walks straight past me, following Skip down the corridor that leads to the back of the clubhouse.

I need another drink, but there’s nobody behind the bar. Not that that matters, everyone’s just helping themselves, so I do the same. I grab myself a bottle of whiskey and head outside. I need some air.

Joel

“What’s up?”

“Rik’s come up with some info that might be useful.”

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