Page 45 of Ordinary Girl

“He’s concerned about you, that’s true, but he didn’t send me. Not this time. I came because I’m trying to make things better for you, include you more, get you to start living this new life, no matter how much you try to fight against it. Believe me, kiddo, I’ve got a lot of patience.”

I drop my head again, close my eyes, and the first thing I see is him. Joel. This confusing, irritating man that, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about. And I don’t know when that started, I just know that it has: that he’s suddenly front and center in my mind, whether I want him there or not.

“Why didn’t you tell me about you and Skip?” I look up, my eyes meeting Cady’s.

“Because it wasn’t important.”

“Was it serious?”

“Not really. Back then Skip didn’t take relationships seriously, and that was exactly why we were drawn together. I didn’t want anything serious either. And we had a lot of good times, for a little while, but once it ran its course we ended things. And we remained friends. He’s a good man, Ana. Deep down.”

I let a beat pass. “Do you think he really loved my mama? Do you think he was serious about her?”

Cady takes another drag of her cigarette. “Doyou?”

I drop my head, and shrug. “There are times when I believe him, when he tells me he loved my mama, and there are times when I don’t.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, even though I never met your mama, and I never saw her and Skip together, Ihaveheard him talk about her. And I believe that he loved her. I believe she was the one who really could have had the power to change him.”

I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. So I drop my head again and breathe in deeply. I feel like I’m waking up every day still sad and angry and confused, and all I want is to feel some hope. For what, though? What am I hoping for, exactly?

“Is there something else on your mind, Ana?”

Of course there is. My mind won’t shut down, it’s constantly whirring with the myriad of feelings and emotions I’m struggling to control, but there’s one thing – one person who’s constant now. One man who’s pushed himself to the forefront, but I can’t tell Cady what happened, between Joel and I. I can’t tell her how it made me feel. Howhemade me feel. I can’t tell anyone, because I’m not really surewhathappened. Besides, he probably just wants to forget about it. Is that the real reason why he’s been keeping his distance?

“No.” I shake my head and smile. And maybe Cady’s right, maybe itistime to get out of this house and start seeing how I can make the best of this situation, because it won’t be forever. I’ll make sure of that.

“Look, there’s another party at the clubhouse tonight. You should come.” Cady stubs her cigarette out on the step and drains the last of her coffee before hauling herself to her feet. “Are we going to see you there?”

I tip my head back and glance up at the sky. “I don’t know.”

“Come on, kiddo. Live a little. You’re allowed to have some fun, you know.”

Fun isn’t something I feel like having, now Mama’s gone. The light went out of my world when she died, so how can I possibly think about having fun?

“Hey. Look at me, Ana.”

I drop my head and look at Cady, who’s crouched down in front of me, one hand on my knee, the other gently tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I know you’re still hurting. I know you’ll be hurting for a long time yet, I get it. I do. But it won’t feel like this forever.”

“Won’t it?”

“No.” She smiles, a genuinely kind smile. “Come to the party. Just hang out with us, people who really do care about you, no matter what you think of them.”

I take a beat. Take a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to make more of an effort.”

“It’ll do you good, I promise.” Cady pulls me in for a hug, and it actually feels nice, to be hugged, because I really do believe that this woman cares for me, in some way. At least, I hope she does. I’m beginning to realize that I need more people around me if I’m going to be able to live this life for however long I need to, because Iwillfind a way out. Somehow. “I’ll see you tonight.”

She hands me her empty mug and I watch her head down the path to her bike parked out front, watch as she speeds away, and I take another moment, listening to the roar of Cady’s bike fade into the distance; the sound of Freja pottering about in the kitchen. I should probably go and help her, let her know I’ll be coming to the party after all, it’ll make her happy.

I pull myself to my feet and head back inside. This is my life, for now, so I might as well try and fit in. Act like I’m grateful for what they’re doing for me. But telling me I need to accept that I’ll never see Lars and Lea again? No. I’m not doing that. I’m not…

Joel

Something’s not fucking right, Joel.” Skip leans forward, tossing his phone down onto the desk. “That deal we had going with the Blades, that was rock solid, until this morning. What the fuck happened, huh?”

“I don’t know, Skip.” I lean back against the wall, pushing a hand through my hair.

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