Page 29 of Ordinary Girl

“Going somewhere?”

I look up, my eyes meeting Joel’s as he stands over me, blocking my exit.

“I’m not staying here.” As I say the words I’m painfully aware of how whiny I sound. And that’s the last thing I ever was. Used to be. I don’t want to turn into that person now.

He takes the bag from my hand, throws it back inside the room, and I’m forced to follow. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, sliding his hands into his pockets, his eyes fixed on mine.

“You really want to leave, huh?”

“You can’t keep me prisoner.”

“You’re right. We can’t. Which is why you’re going somewhere else, tomorrow. You’re going to stay with Dag and Freja. They’ve got you a nice room and everything. Never had kids of their own, it’ll break their hearts if you leave.”

“Would it break yours?”

I don’t know where that question came from. I don’t know why I asked it, why it was even in my head, but even though I’m sorry I said the words, I don’t break the stare.

His mouth slowly twists up into a smirk, and he laughs quietly. “You need to get some rest.”

That’s all he says before he turns and leaves, and I slump down onto the bed and drop my head. I feel defeated. Confused. I don’t know what to do, I can’t deal with this devastating change to my world. And I don’t want to be here, in this dark, depressingplace. I want to be as far away from here as I can possibly be. And nobody can blame me for that. This is where my mama died. This is where my world fell apart. Changed forever.

A knock at the door makes me jump, and I look up. Look at the door.

“Ana? It’s Kasper.”

I let a couple of beats pass. “Come in.”

He nudges open the door and throws me a small smile as he sits down beside me and hands me a beer. “Thought you might need one of these.”

“What I need is to get out of here.”

He looks at me, and I feel numb. Kasper is exactly the kind of guy I used to go for, and before all of this happened there was definitely some kind of attraction there. But whatever it was it’s gone now. I feel nothing when I look at him. No, that’s wrong, I feelsomething. I feel regret, that I ever walked into this clubhouse. That I gave him my number: accepted his invitation to go to that party. I should’ve listened to my mama…

“Ana… I was just…”

“I’m not in the mood for a conversation.”

I get up and go over to the window, and I look outside. People are huddled around a makeshift fire created from an old trash can, leaning back against their bikes as they drink and laugh, and I feel like I’ve been thrown into a completely alien universe. One I don’t feel safe in, despite Skip’s promises to keep me just that. Safe. He couldn’t protect my mama, could he? So why should I believe he can protectme?

“This isn’t my world, Kasper. This isn’t my life.”

I hear him get up, walk over to me. I feel him reach for my hand but I pull it away, and he doesn’t make a second attempt.

“Ana, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, after what you’ve been through…”

I spin around and look him right in the eye. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

“We’re gonna get them, they’re gonna pay–”

“That’s all you keep saying. All of you, like some trumped up kind of mantra. Like it’s going to make everything okay again, it won’t. It won’t makeanythingokay again.”

He says nothing to that, but I wasn’t expecting him to. And I suddenly feel guilty for that short outburst. I’m not sure he deserved it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean–”

“I just wanted to see if you were alright.”

“I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will be. I have no idea where my life is going now, what I’m supposed to do next…”

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