Page 100 of Ordinary Girl

“Why aren’t you looking after this place?” I ask as I wrap my arms around myself, keeping my back to him.

“Because it isn’t important.”

I spin around, a spark of anger igniting inside of me. “This was my home. Mama’s home. The homeyouwalked out of, leaving us all alone, you remember that, right?”

The fact he’s giving me no reaction only makes me more angry, but it won’t help. It won’t get me anywhere. So I take a breath and lean back against the counter. And I wonder where Joel is, what he’s doing, and guilt sweeps over me. I should’ve told him whatIwas going to do, but he would’ve stopped me. I should’ve asked him about Lars and Lea, maybe he would’ve helped me? Maybe…? If I’d done that, maybe I wouldn’t have had to come to this man for anything, but I’d been persuaded to leave any links to my past life behind, hadn’t I? Seeing Lars and Lea again, that only came back on my radar because of this man.

“Can you take me to them?”

I look up at him, and he smiles and nods and I feel everything from deep regret to anger to a crushing relief. And guilt. So much guilt…

“I want to see them,” I whisper, almost to myself, and saying those words out loud, it makes me realize that I’d never really put this to the back of my mind. “When can you make that happen?”

“As soon as you’d like.”

My stomach’s in a knot of nerves. Do I go today? Do I wait? No… I don’t want to wait. Waiting gives me a chance to change my mind, to think about this, and if that happens there’s every chance I won’t do it at all. But, at the same time, do I really trust this man?CanI trust this man? I’m still not sure…

“Can we go today?”

He nods, he doesn’t leave a beat, and I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. The fact that he’s so eager to take me to Lars and Lea…

“We can leave in an hour. There are a few things I need to do here first. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine.” An hour is good. It gives me a little bit of time to get my head around what I’ve just done, but not too much time. Not enough for me to change my mind...? I don’t know… No. I’m doing this. I need to do this. “Can I… can I go upstairs? I want to see my room… My old room… You haven’t changed it, have you?” I can’t keep the slight panic out of my voice, and he smiles. And it doesn’t really reach his eyes, but I’m not going to overthink that.

“I’m not even sure anyone has been in that room.”

“Okay… I’m sorry, I think I’m just a little bit overwhelmed.”

“That’s understandable. Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat or drink?”

“I’m sure.” I couldn’t eat anything, I’m too nervous. Too anxious. And I’m letting him see that, which is a mistake. I think all of this might be a mistake, and that’s why I need to think about it. I really need to think, about everything.

“Well, if you change your mind…”

“I’m fine. I won’t be too long.” I head out of the kitchen and run up the stairs, stopping on the landing outside Mama’s room. And I don’t want to go inside because I’m guessing he’s been sleeping in there. And the thought of that makes me feel sick, the idea of him sleeping in the same bed Mama slept in, it’s wrong.

I don’t go into Mama’s room. The memories are still so raw, and being here, in this house, my head is flooded with a lifetime of them. But I won’t cry, I’m stronger than that now. Or I’m trying to be. I thought I was. I’m having doubts now.

Pushing open the door to my old room, I go inside, closing the door behind me. I stop and take a look around, everythingis just how I remember it. Nothing’s been touched or moved, but as I run my fingers over the surface of my dressing table, I can feel the dust underneath them. Months’ worth of it. I open the drawers, one by one, and all my clothes are still in there. All folded up neatly, still exactly where I’d left them. My closet is the same, everything is hanging there as it was the day I left, and then never came back. Until now. I toy with the idea of packing all my clothes into the suitcase that’s still on top of the freestanding closet, but I don’t. I have no need for them anymore. I’m a different person now. Those clothes, they aren’t me.

Sitting down on the edge of my old bed, I drop my head and close my eyes, clasp my hands together in my lap. It feels strange, being back here, in this house. Everything about it is different now. Without Mama this house has no soul. No life. It’s nothing more than a dark and hollow shell, and I’m suddenly overcome with a fresh wave of grief, so strong it punches the breath right out of me. I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have done this, it’s wrong. Going back, it’s wrong, I can’t do it. I can’t recreate a world that disappeared the day Mama died, no matter how much I want it. I need to go. I need to get out of here.

Wiping away tears that had somehow managed to escape, I get up and take one last look around. I’m saying goodbye, something I never had the chance to do before, and it feels almost cathartic. And the second I close the door behind me it’s like I’m shutting that old life away, ready to properly begin the new one I’ve been living. The trial period is over. And after today, when my mama’s death has finally been avenged, I can move on. Really move on, with Joel. I can do that, right…?

I hear the commotion as I head downstairs: the sound of a door being kicked in, angry shouts and muffled voices and while my head is screaming at me to run back upstairs, I don’t do that. I run into the hallway, almost tripping over something that’slying in my way, and when I look down my hand flies to my mouth. It’s Linus. My dad’s henchman. Is he dead…? He looks dead… all that blood…

A numbness starts to take over, and for a second I just stand there, because everything’s gone quiet. But then I hear a chair, or a table, I don’t know, it sounds like furniture being thrown about, in the kitchen. And I should just run out of the front door, it’s there, right in front of me, but instead – and I have no idea why, but I run toward the kitchen, and my dad’s there, but he doesn’t hear me or see me, but I see the gun in his hand. See him take aim…

Forty

Joel

The gun falls from my hand as she drops to the floor, what the fuck was she doing here? And now I can hear something else. A voice… Skip’s voice…

“Joel…? What the fuck…?”

“She wasn’t meant to be here…”

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