Page 87 of The Bodyguard

“Connections that weren’t able to identify him as an MI5 agent when he was working for you?”

My father’s eyes harden, and I know I’m pushing him way too much here, but I can’t stop myself. For the first time in a long time I can see clearly. I can see what I want, what I really want, and it’s a life outside of this fortress.

“Whatisthis, Lena?”

“It’s me telling you that I love you, I love all of you, but I don’t want this life anymore.”

He doesn’t say anything, he just drops his head and stares down at his clasped hands, but I don’t miss the heavy sigh.

“You want a life with a man you can’t trust?”

“I can’t trustyou.”

He raises his gaze and I swallow hard. But I’m not scared, not anymore.

“If you want to be with a man like him, Lena, then you can’t be here. You can’t be around this family anymore. He might not, officially, work for those people now but he can never really let that life go. Just asIcan never letthislife go. It’s who I am. It’s whoheis.”

I don’t believe that. I don’t. “I feel – I feel like I’m suffocating, Dad.”

I look at him, and his expression changes: softens. I can tell he wants to come over to me but he can’t, not that easily, anyway. And maybe I should go over to him, but I don’t. I’m already starting to distance myself from this family, it’s happening, whether I was aware of it or not. I think it’s been happening for a lot longer than I’d realised.

“We are you family, Lena.”

He speaks the words slowly, almost as if he’s trying to make me understand them. I understand everything, now.

“And I love you. I do, but I can’t dothisanymore.”

My father’s eyes narrow, but I stand my ground. I have to.

“Weare your family.”

“And I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Not like this.”

He drops his head again, and I take another deep breath. Am I doing the right thing? Am I? Really? All I’ve known is this family. This life. Can I really survive outside of it? And I thought, in the beginning, that it was Jonah making me do this. That if I wanted to be with him I couldn’t behere,and that’s true. We could never be together and be a part of this family. My father’s gratitude towards him for saving his life will never run as far as accepting him into this world. But now, I don’t think Jonah’s the reason at all. I don’t even know where he is, or if he’d even want to be with me after everything that’s happened. He said he loved me, right to the very end he said he loved me, but he’s had time to think. Time to see what a mess his life would be if he was with me. So, everything I’m doing here, this is for me. It’s all for me.

“You have a job to do, Lena.” My father looks at me, and his expression is softer now. Kinder. There might even be the faintest hint of fear behind his eyes, I’m sure of it. “We need you. Nielsen Construction needs you.”

I shake my head. “No, it doesn’t. It never has. It was always you pulling the strings, in reality. I was never in charge. Was I?”

I hold his gaze, I don’t let mine waver, and it takes a second or two but, finally, there it is. A nod. An acknowledgement that everything I’ve just said, it’s true.

“I’m sorry, Lena. For everything.”

“I know.” I’m sorry too. I just don’t know what for, exactly. “I just think – I don’t really know who I am anymore.”

“You’re my daughter.”

“And I want to be more than that.”

He leaves a beat or two before he speaks again, his gaze shifting, glancing around his office at nothing in particular, he just needs a moment.

“I can’t always protect you, if you walk away.”

Because I have to, walk away. I have to go and not look back, if it’s going to work. If I’m really going to distance myself from this world, and build a new one for myself.

“I know. But I think I can look after myself.”

IknowI can look after myself. I just have to believe it. And I’d already started to do that, in Germany.

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