Page 98 of Toy Boy

She turns her head away, stares out to sea, and I watch her and I pray that she forgives me. Because all of this, it’s only made my feelings for her stronger. They’re real, I know they are, and I’m not prepared to walk away from something good. Something I never thought I’d find, I’d only wanted some kind of revenge, I hadn’t expected to fall in love. But I did. And I should be saying all of this to her but I’m terrified of opening up to her, to anyone. Like I said, people I love, they leave me. And it isn’t always their choice.

“We’re still practically strangers, Xander.”

She says that without shifting her gaze, she still refuses to look at me.

“We’re not strangers, Megan.”

Her head suddenly snaps back around, her eyes once more locking on mine. “Because you knew about me before you even met me?”

“I didn’t know much, just that you and Scott had been married… I didn’t know he’d been your surgeon, too, I knew nothing about that.”

I want her to believe that because it’s true. But I can’t read her anymore.

“He did this interview, a little while after my mother died, not long after he left Denmark and went to Scotland, and in that interview he spoke of regrets; things he wished he’d never done. One of those things should’ve been talking my mother into a surgery she should never have been subjected to, but all she got was a vague mention. It wasyouhe talked about,Megan. It was you.”

Her expression changes instantly, she obviously had no idea about that.

“You were his biggest regret. Losing you, he said, was an act of self-harm that he can never forgive himself for. That’s how I knew that to get to him, I had to get to you.”

She holds my gaze, and I just want to reach out and pull her into my arms but I think we’re a way off that happening right now. I may never get to hold her again, in reality, but I hope and I pray that I do. That she forgives me for the mess I’ve made of things.

“The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

“You haven’t hurt me.”

She says that with a level of certainty I believe. I do. She isn’t lying.

“You knew he was coming back to Beachcastle Bay, to win me back?”

“I couldn’t have known that, not for definite. But I assumed that if he was coming back home, back here, to the bay, then you were obviously going to play a part in this brand new start he wanted.”

“And if things hadn’t changed? If you hadn’t started to feel differently towards me, what would’ve been your end game, huh? You get your – what? Revenge? And then what? What were you going to do? Toss me aside and walk away? Go back to Australia? Not give a shit about the consequences your actions might’ve had? What if your plan had had the opposite effect? Did you think about that? What if you’d actually ended up pushing me and Scott closer together?”

“You wouldn’t have let that happen.”

“You don’t know what would’ve happened.” She glances back over at The Shack in the distance. “And you certainly don’t know me well enough to know what I would do in any situation. I should go home now. I’m tired.”

“Megan, please…”

“I’ve heard enough for one night, Xander.”

“Can we talk tomorrow?”

She looks at me, and I’m scared this isn’t going to go the way I want it to.

“Maybe. We’ll see.”

“Megan…?”

“Goodnight, Xander.”

I watch her walk away, her arms still wrapped around herself and I let out the deepest sigh of utter frustration.

None of this has worked out the way I wanted it to. And now I’m going to have to fight to get the ending I never even thought I needed. But I do, need that very different ending. Now, I do…

Megan

As I walk up over the grass verge that leads up from the sea front to the row of neat, pastel coloured terraced cottages I stop for a moment, and sigh heavily as I catch sight of Josh leaning back against the white picket fence outside my house, his arms folded, his legs crossed at the ankle. But the second he sees me walking towards him he straightens up and slides his hands into his pockets.

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