Page 89 of Toy Boy

“It’s a free country.”

Okay. Not the latter then, but I’m still not sure she’s pleased I’m here. “Are you alright?”

She nods, but her eyes are darting this way and that, almost as if she’s scared to look straight at me. “I’m fine. I just needed a breather.” She looks back at me. “Laney’s turned up.”

I smile slightly, and so does she, in fact, I’d go as far as to say that was verging on an ice-breaker.

“So, what’syourexcuse?”

“Hmm?”

“For being out here.”

“I wanted to get you on your own.”

Her expression changes in an instant, her eyes narrowing, I can read her now. And she’s screaming wary.

“I’m tired of pretending, Megan. I’m tired of lying to you.”

“You’re a bit late with those sentiments, Scott.”

“I told you we were unfinished business, and I meant it. Iknowit, and so do you.”

“Do I?”

“We loved each other once, Meg.”

“Ilovedyou, I’m not sure whatyouwere feeling.”

“I loved you, too. I just didn’t know what I had until you were gone.”

She laughs, tears her gaze away from mine and leans back, like she wants to leave now, but I really don’t want her to go. “Still rolling out the clichés.”

“I don’t know what else to say. So I’m just saying what I’m feeling, in here.” I slam my fist hard against my chest, and when she looks at me this time I swear her expression softens. Or maybe I’m just imagining that, I don’t know. But she’s still here, so that’s something. “I still love you, Megan. I don’t think I ever stopped, and believe me, I need you now more than I ever have done. I keep telling you, I’m not the man I was, he’s gone, and in his place is someone who’s…”

She turns her head away again, and I stop talking.

“Tell me you don’t feel something, Megan.”

Her eyes meet mine, and she holds my gaze, and I feel a wave of love sweep over me, and it hurts. It fucking hurts.

“What about Tania? Does she know you’re doing this, behind her back?”

“She knows how I still feel about you.”

That seems to surprise her. “And she’s okay with that?”

“She understands that what we have – me and her, it isn’t serious. She’s just come out of a divorce, and I’m not looking for any kind of real commitment…” I hold her gaze for a moment or two longer, “… with anyone. Except you.”

She shakes her head again, laughs quietly, and I will her to look at me. To listen to what I’m saying and know that I mean every word. Every, single, fucking word.

“I can’t go back, Scott.Wecan’t go back.”

But the look in her eyes is telling me that what she’s saying, and what she’s feeling, they’re two very different things.

“Too much has happened. Too many things changed. And if you want me to tell you I still love you, too…” She drops her gaze, and I feel my stomach jolt as a wave of hope surges through me. “Maybe a part of me still does.” She slowly raises her head, but her eyes avoid mine, instead they’re focusing anywhere but on me. “You came back, and yeah, that dredged up all kinds of memories, but not all of them were good.” She looks at me, right at me, and the pause she leaves pushes back that hope I’d felt just a moment ago. “Very few of them were. I should get back inside.”

She gets up, so do I, and I quickly – and gently – reach for her hand, stopping her from walking away. And she looks down, but she doesn’t pull her hand away.

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