Page 122 of Toy Boy

“I should.” But I’m not going back. Not yet. “Is this going to take long?” And I know I’m treating this more like a business meeting than two friends just having a chat… But we weren’t just friends, were we?

“No, I promise.”

We sit down, our backs against the sand dune, we’re pretty much shielded from everything here.

“Peopleareblaming me, aren’t they? For Scott’s death?”

I look at him, and I nod, I’m not going to lie to him. “One or two. Look, Xander, it was an accident, we’ve been through this, you did nothing wrong. What happened afterwards, it was tragic, yes, but it wasn’t your fault.”

He drops his gaze and the guilt is consuming him, I can see it. Feel it. And I don’t think it’s fair that he’s doing this to himself.

“I messed up, Megan. And because of that, I lost you.”

He raises his head, his eyes locking on mine, and I feel my heart start to beat that little bit faster, my breath struggling to escape my rapidly tightening throat.

“I was falling in love with you. And I’m not spinning you some line, why would I do that?”

“Because that was what you were intending to do, when you first got here. Remember? That game you were willing to play, to get back at Scott? Through me?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, holding my gaze, but I keep my expression stoic. “I should never have involved you, but in the end I’m glad I did. Because I found an extraordinary woman who was in the process of changing my life. Until I screwed it up. But you have to believe me, Megan, the day of Scott’s accident… I was looking for you because I wanted to tell you that I was falling in love with you. That I wanted to stay here, in Beachcastle Bay, I wanted to see if we had a chance of…” He looks down, his hands clasped together between his knees. “I wanted to see if we had a future.”

I don’t know how to respond to that. I have no idea what to say, because having this conversation, today, it just doesn’t feel right. But if I send him away, if I tell him to go, I might never see him again. And I’m not sure I want that.

His eyes are back on mine, and I take a breath and wait for him to speak because I can’t. No words are coming.

“It must’ve been hard, losing him.”

“It hurt, a lot, yes.”

“You still had feelings for him, didn’t you?”

“I still loved him, in my own way. But not like that, Xander. Not like that.” Not the way I was starting to lovehim. Nowhere near. “He was still young, still had so much life ahead of him, but…” It’s my turn to drop my gaze and stare down at the sand and the patches of grass growing through it, the smell of fish and chips wafting over from the shop across the street. “He’s gone. And we’re all dealing with it in our own way.” I slowly look back up at him, his handsome face a mask of guilt and fear and I don’t want him to feel that way anymore. It really isn’t fair. “Where’ve you been all this time?”

“I’ve been staying in an airport hotel, near Manchester. I drove over here last night, checked into a B&B in Bridwort.”

Bridwort is a small village about an hour and a half away from Beachcastle Bay. Far enough away for no one to know who he is. What he did. What he shouldn’t be blamed for.

“I’m planning on heading down south in a day or two, once I know what’s happening.”

“What’s happening…?”

“I want us to be together, Megan.”

His expression – his entire demeanour – has taken on a whole different stance, the look of determination in his eyes is quite startling. He’s ready to fight, for us?

“I want that more than I’ve ever wanted anything, and I never intended for any of this to happen, but falling in love with you,thathappened. And it’s real, and I can’t just switch those feelings off, I can’t do that. I just need you to know how I feel, how sorry I am for the way I handled everything. I need you to know that the past is behind me now, and all I want to do is get on with the future, preferably one with you in it.”

Again, his words have floored me, I still don’t know how to respond. I’m feeling everything from confusion to excitement to gut-wrenching fear. But all of them, every single one of those emotions is tinged with guilt.

Why are you feeling guilty?

You have nothing to be guilty for?

Don’t I…?

“Xander, I… I don’t know.”

I’m pushing him away because I just can’t see how it could work. I don’t know what we are anymore, what we had before, was that real? Any of it? Is he telling me the truth, when he says he’s falling in love with me?

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