Page 121 of Toy Boy

I’m a little startled by the coldness of her tone, maybe she really did have some residual feelings for her ex-husband. “That’s not how it is, Megan.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I wanted – needed to see you.”

“Then why wait until now? Why wait two weeks?”

“Because Scott had just died. He’d just died. And, I don’t know – you might’ve blamed me…”

“I don’t blame you.”

“You didn’t blame me for the accident, but his death…” I drop my head, shaking it, but my eyes are back on hers in a heartbeat. “That’s different. I mean, I’m assuming he…”

“It was a brain haemorrhage, that killed him.”

“Did the accident…?”

We can’t know for sure, whether that caused it, but he did suffer a serious head trauma, so…” She doesn’t finish that sentence, and when she looks away I swallow hard as the guilt hits me like a sledgehammer.

“I’m so sorry, Megan. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

“I know.”

I look at her, her arms crossed over her chest, it’s a defensive stance, and again, I don’t blame her for that.

“Are you – are you okay?”

“I’m fine. But your timing sucks.”

“I’m so –”

“Can you stop apologising? Please? What happened was a tragedy, but dwelling on it won’t bring Scott back. Accidents, even tragic ones, happen. No one’s to blame.”

I still feel like I am, a little. And I think she feels that, too, even if she isn’t saying it.

“I know I should’ve thought this through more…”

“Yes. You should’ve.”

She’s pulling no punches today, and I’m beginning to wonder if this was a waste of time. I think too much damage may have been done, too many mistakes made. My fault. All of it. Everything’s on me.

“I couldn’t get you out of my head, Megan.”

She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t respond, but she holds my gaze and I remember that smile – albeit a very small one – she gave me just a few minutes ago as she walked towards me. There’s still something there, maybe she’s just punishing me. And if that helps, if that makes her feel better…

“And maybe today wasn’t the best day to do this, but… Can we just talk? Please?”

“Why?”

“Because I still have decisions to make, and they all depend on you.”

Megan

I don’t want to be angry at him, and I wasn’t, at first. But now, I think I might be. A little. Do I blame him for Scott’s death? No. But others do, no matter what Josh thinks, and one of them is Tania, so I’d really rather nobody else knew he was here. It would be insensitive, given what day it is.

“I don’t want to be responsible for anything, Xander, let alone decisions thatyoushould be making. I’m not sure that’s fair on me.”

“Can we sit down? I know you should be getting back to the wake…”

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