Page 119 of Toy Boy

“Do you miss him?”

“Why the sudden interest in Xander? I told you, he’s gone, he isn’t coming back, and even when hewashere he was never a huge part of my life, was he?”

But I’d wanted him to be. I’d hoped he’d be. And I’d really tried to forget about him, but now Josh has just helped dig up all those memories; all the regret.

“Look, Mum, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

I wave away his apology, I don’t want to hear it. He has nothing to apologise for. “It’s fine. I just – I haven’t really given him a second thought, since Scott died. But, like I said, he’s history now. Time for all of us to move on.”

“Speaking of which…” He shoves one more sandwich into his mouth, and checks his watch. “I’d better go.” He comes over to me, kisses my cheek, and leaves me with a smile. “Look after yourself, Mum. Okay?”

I return his smile. “Okay. Stay safe, baby.”

“Always.”

I watch him leave, and I never stop being proud of my handsome son, I love him so much. More than anything. Anyone.

“How are you holding up?”

Tim’s voice yanks me back from those thoughts, and I look at him, and smile. “I’m fine. But I guess a lot of us are getting through this day on auto-pilot and adrenaline. And possibly alcohol.”

“Yes. Yes, we are.” Tim looks around the packed private function room, the same room where, just a few weeks ago, we were celebrating his birthday. “It’s a good turnout.”

Another funeral cliché. But it’s true, a lot of people have come here to pay their respects, and I’m almost sure most of them aren’t here just because of Dean’s buffet.

“He was an important member of this community, Tim. And I hate using the past tense when I talk about him…” I leave that sentence hanging, and I too glance around the room, it really does seem like the majority of Beachcastle Bay are gathered in here today.

“I’m going to miss him,” Tim sighs. “I’m not saying the man was perfect, far from it, but, he was my friend.”

“He was mine, too.”

Although, in reality, our new-found, mutually-decided decision to be friends had barely had time to get off the ground. And that’s what makes me sad.

“I’m sorry, about Xander.”

I look at Tim, and frown. “What’s there to be sorry about?”

“That he left the way he did.”

“We’d already decided that things weren’t working out, Tim. And we were never really a couple, to be honest.”

The last thing I expected to be talking about today was Xander, and I don’t know why, all of a sudden, it’s the only subject that’s coming up.

“I know, but…” He senses this is a conversation that’s making me uncomfortable, and he sighs quietly and rakes a hand through his greying hair. “Things seemed to be going so well for everybody.”

“And things sometimes have a way of changing tack when you least expect it. We’ve just got to learn to roll with the punches.”

“Life goes on, huh?”

“Whether we like it or not.”

My phone pinging an alert gives me a welcome distraction, and I pull it from my pocket and check the screen.

“Sorry, Tim, I’d better respond to this. I’ll catch you later.”

Clutching my phone tightly, I wind my way through the crowded room and out onto the terrace, glad of the air and a moment to catch my breath as I take another look at the screen. The text, it’s from Xander.

I need to see you. I’m here, in Beachcastle Bay. Can we meet?

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