Page 108 of Toy Boy

“I didn’t see him, didn’t expect anyone to step out onto the crossing, the lights were on green.”

Xander is, understandably, devastated. But it was an accident. I believe him, I have no reason not to. Scott stepped out onto the crossing without waiting for the lights to turn red, without waiting for the traffic to stop, Xander did nothing wrong.

“He must’ve been distracted.”

If anyone’s to blame, the finger could be pointed at me. I’d told him, once and for all, that there was no chance, no hope of us ever getting back together, and less than an hour later he’s lying on a hospital bed with severe head injuries, broken ribs, and a shattered wrist. The latter… Jesus. The latter, a shattered wrist, that could put an end to his surgical career, and no matter what I think about the man personally, Scott Warren is a truly gifted surgeon. Although, I imagine Xander would, maybe, still beg to differ.

“I was looking foryou.”

Xander’s voice pulls me back from those thoughts, and I stare at him. “I was at home.”

He drops his head, clasps his hands together, and I watch his shoulders sag. “I wanted to see you. I couldn’t wait until tonight…”He sits back, drags a hand through his hair and raises his gaze to the ceiling, sighing heavily. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s not important.”

Isn’t it?

“Scott’s in the best possible hands now, Xander. He’s being well looked after.”

His eyes meet mine, and he tries to smile, but it’s not really forthcoming. This has shaken him, it’s obvious. “I never meant him any harm, not really. Not even at the height of my grief-driven hatred towards him, I never wanted to physically hurt him.”

“I know.”

He shakes his head and drops it again, running a hand along the back of his neck. “I think it’s best I leave Beachcastle Bay. It was a bad idea, coming here, I really didn’t think it through. Once I’ve given my statement to the police… Once they’re done with me, I’ll make plans to head back to Australia.”

I don’t know what to say. Because I don’t know what tofeel.

“I can see it on your face, Megan. You still care about him.”

“He was a big part of my life, Xander, for a while. I was married to him, of course I still care about him.”

“Even after everything he did?”

“He’s changed. I really believe he fought his demons and came out the other end…”

“You still care about him.”

He doesn’t phrase that as a question, and he shakes his head again, turning it away from me. And I’m not sure if that irritates or angers me.

“I went to see him, this afternoon. That’s why I wasn’t at the café, when you came looking for me. I’d gone to see him to tell him we could never be together again. I wanted to draw a line under it, move on as friends, but that’s it, nothing more. He needed to know that. So I told him.” I sit back and shrug. “I can only think that he took a walk, maybe to clear his head, think things over, I don’t know. I can’t know anything for sure, so, when he stepped out into the road, maybe hewasjust distracted.”

“Because of what you’d told him?”

“Like I said, Xander, I don’t know for sure. I’m just guessing here. But something made him lose concentration, and that’s not something he does a lot. He’s focused. In control…” I look out over Xander’s shoulder, at the wall behind him covered in notices explaining hospital hygiene rules, numbers to call; leaflets concerning various medical conditions, but they’re all blurring into one. I can’t focus either.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and I shift my gaze back to him. “For everything. For starting this mess, for dragging you into something you had no reason to be a part of. I’m so sorry, Megan.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

He drops his head again, and I get up and go and sit down beside him, gently rubbing his tense-as-hell shoulders.

“You should go home. Get some rest.”

“I need to go to the police station, they need a statement from me.”

“Josh has already told you that can wait until tomorrow.”

He stands up, picks up his jacket and briefly glances back over his shoulder, towards Scott’s room. “I want to do it now. The sooner this is sorted, the sooner I can start making plans to go back to Queensland.”

He’s serious, about leaving, and while my stomach has just fallen to the floor, there’s this tiny part of me that thinks that, maybe, it’s for the best. If he leaves. And when he looks at me there’s an almost hopeful expression on his face, like he’s waiting for me to say no, don’t go, and I almost say the words. I do. Because part of me doesn’t want him to leave, I was genuinely starting to feel something for this man. Something real. Something I was scared to face up to, because ever since Scott’s return to Beachcastle Bay… Well. He’s been a distraction. Scott got in the way, and I hate to admit that, but he did. Until I realised everything I was feeling for him – everything IthoughtI was feeling for him, it was nothing, in reality.

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