Page 82 of Beautiful Dangerous

He smiles, his eyes locking on mine, and I hope to god he can’t see the nerves I’m trying so hard to keep hidden. The fear of the truth coming out surrounds me constantly, and I can only pray that nothing shows on my face; that my emotions stay under control.

“I want us to – to almost start again, Olivia. You and I. That’s why I think we should renew our wedding vows, let everyone know how we still feel about each other, that we’re ready to begin a whole new chapter of our lives. I want that very much.”

I should’ve known he was never going to let this go. But the fact he’s now throwing children into the mix, that’s another complication I can do without. I want a new start too, I really do, I just don’t think… No. IknowI don’t want that with Javier. I want to start again, I want a brand new life, but I want all of that with Lucca.

“Javier, I…”

I can’t get any words out, they won’t come. They’re stuck in my throat like a stubborn chunk of food that refuses to be swallowed. And he reaches for my hand again, but this time when he touches me I want to pull away, but I can’t. I can’t do that.

“I understand that all this talk of renewing vows and having children, it must feel quite overwhelming for you.”

“It is.” It’s suffocating. I can feel my throat tightening by the second.

“And I know you think I should be more aware of what you’re feeling, it’s just that, I had a lot of time to think when I was away…”

“But I didn’t, Javier. I hadnotime.”

He squeezes my hand, probably a little too tightly. “We don’t have a lot of it left, Olivia. Time. If we want to start a family we need to be thinking about doing that sooner rather than later.”

My skin prickles at the insinuation that I’m getting older, in childbearing terms, even though it’s the truth. But until today it hadn’t mattered. Hadn’t even crossed my mind.

“I’ve only just turned forty. We don’t need to rush into this.”

He smiles at me, and my stomach twists itself up into a tight and painful knot, and I’m aware that I’m scrunching my napkin up into a ball in my fist, but I don’t want this. I don’t want vow renewals and I certainly don’t want a baby.

You don’t want Javier’s baby.

No.

I don’t…

“I’m so sorry I missed your birthday, Olivia.”

“It wasn’t the same, without you there.”

He smiles again, carefully prising the fingers of my other hand open and taking the scrunched up napkin from my unfurled fist.

“We need to find a way to put all this pain behind us,mi amor. This life, it isn’t always fair, and it doesn’t always play by the rules, but you knew that when you decided to live it. You knew that.”

This is his way of dissolving any blame he might think I’m placing on him. His way of subtly shifting the guilt onto me, I knew this kind of shit could happen, right? So stop whining about it. That’s what he’s really saying. The true meaning behind that beautiful smile.

“But it all worked out in the end, Olivia. The cartel got what it wanted, and I got to come back home. We should be celebrating!”

We’ve already had a party.

We’ve already celebrated.

Now it’s time to pick apart the shit his disappearance created, and see what the real consequences are.

“I think we should have our vow renewal ceremony right here, on the terrace, overlooking the ocean.” He sits back in his seat, picks up his glass of wine, and takes a sip, his gaze flitting around the pretty little corner he’s created for us here. “At sunset.” His eyes shift back to me, and he smiles again, the same smile I’d once loved. A smile that could floor me from a distance, it’s making me all kinds of nervous now. Because I can’t stop thinking about Lucca, and I’m terrified that my expression; the briefest flicker of something in my eyes, I’m scared it’ll give something away, a clue to what’s really going on in my messed-up head. “And then we can party into the night.”

I can’t say anything, my mouth is too dry, and I reach for my glass of wine and take a long sip. The alcohol’s going straight to my head, which is dangerous, inhibitions go down with alcohol, and I can’t afford for that to happen. But I can’t tell him what he wants to hear, I just can’t do it.

“You’ve seemed so very far away,” he whispers, leaning forward, his hand still holding mine. “So distant.”

“There’s been a lot to take in, Javier.”

“I understand.” He brings my hand to his lips, his mouth brushing my knuckles before he lets it go, and sits back. “I’m probably putting too much on you too early. But there are things we need to talk about, Olivia.”

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