Page 43 of Beautiful Dangerous

I want to look at him, but looking at him is going to open a door that, despite my growing feelings for this man, I’m terrified of stepping through. But I want to. I’ve wanted to for much longer than I’m ever going to admit, butthisis what scares me. More than anything. All the shit I’ve seen; the things I’ve done, andthisis what scares me.

Admitting that you’re in love with LuccaPérez?

Yes. I’m in love with Lucca Pérez…

I slowly raise my gaze, my eyes meeting his, and he knows it – hefeelsit, too, I have no doubt about that now. And that’s terrifying and exciting but neither of us makes a move to do anything; say anything. We let the moment pass, but it doesn’t matter. We know what we felt, and for now, that’s enough.

Lucca

I’ve loved Olivia Delgado for too long. The kind of love borne out of envy and so much fucking confusion and, yeah, feeling that way, I know it’s dangerous. I know that. But it’s getting harder to ignore something that’s growing stronger by the day. Something I should bever have let happen, she was never mine to love. But I’ve watched her grow from an innocent young woman into someone very different, and I tried in the beginning, I swear, I tried to pretend it was nothing more than some stupid crush, that I was only feeling that way because she was someone I could never have. We always want what we can’t have, right? That shit is always more exciting, the unattainable. But as time went on, something happened, it must’ve done. Something changed. All these years she’s been right there, in my line of sight. A part of my life. And now, with Javier gone, it’s just me and her so much of the time, so fighting this shit, it’s getting harder by the day.

Leaning back against the wall in the thankfully empty hallway, I stare out ahead and breathe in deeply. She knows, how I feel, there’s no doubt about that, but when I looked in her eyes just now, it was clear. She feels the same way. We looked at each other, and we knew – we both knew that we were this close to crossing that line, and I know we should be stronger. We should avoid encouraging whatever this is, and I’ll try, I will, but it’s taking every ounce of strength I have. And even though we haven’t said the words, the message was all too clear. And I don’t think we can pretend it never happened. We can’t pretend that we were both just tired and emotional, and we were all of those things but, it doesn’t matter. It’s out there. And in the blink of an eye everything’s changed, again. Everything. God help me…

Olivia

I can’t sleep. My mind’s racing, my heart’s still thumping, painfully hard, the sound of it pounding in my ears, it’s deafening rhythm filling my head. But if I close my eyes I don’t see his face anymore – Javier’s. And that scares me, even though, in reality, it hasn’t been his face I’ve seen when I close my eyes for a long time now.

I don’t know what to do, how to feel anymore, and even though these feelings for Lucca have been building for longer than I can remember, now I’ve finally admitted them, it’s just made everything even more complicated. But they’ve been there. I know that now. They’ve been there, and now I know he feels the same way too, that changes everything. This is real now, not just some fantasy in my head, it’s real. And I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t, and I don’t think Javier would want me to be but, sleeping with his lieutenant? A man who was almost like a brother to him? That just causes the guilt to rush back all over again, when I have no need to feel guilty. But I can’t shake that unwelcome emotion.

You aren’t betraying Javier.

You aren’t doing that.

You aren’t…

Pulling my hair back into a ponytail I sit down on the bed, and I try to think. Try to focus. Try to clear my head. I look at the photograph on the nightstand of Javier, so handsome, my beautiful man. And the pain that cuts across my chest is deep and real and once more my throat tightens, for a second I can’t breathe. It’s the sudden knock on the door that causes the breath to loosen in my throat, and for a moment I forget about the pain in my chest and the anxious feeling in my stomach. But it’s just a moment.

“Olivia? Are you okay?”

I’m so tired of him asking me that. He knows I’m not okay. I can’t remember the last time I said I was, and meant it.

“I’m fine, Lucca. Go get some rest.”

I need him to go, I really do.

“We need to talk, Liv.”

He’s right. We do. But, now?

I get up, and I go to the door, but I hesitate for a beat or two before I finally open it. “Not here. Go down to the kitchen, I’ll be there in a second.”

I close the door before he can respond, and I wait until I hear him heading back downstairs before I move again.

LuccaPérezis the closest thing to having Javier back, and maybe that’s the reason why these feelings I have for him materialized in the first place, I don’t know. I’m confused. All I know is that, all the shit with Angel; my determination to push Lucca away, to not turn to him when I needed someone, there was a reason for that. But there’s still a part of me that feels like this is wrong. That we should just leave it alone. And another part of me that knows I’m going to ignore every alarm bell that’s ringing.

How can loving another man be wrong? Javier’s gone. He’s gone. And he wanted Lucca to look after me, that’s what Lucca told me. And then that wave of guilt crashes over me again, because surely he never meant for this to happen. Not this. At the same time, though, he always used to say to me that if anything ever happened to him he’d want me to find happiness again. He’d want me to love again. With his best friend…?

A man who will look after you. Always keep you safe. Love you…

Taking a deep breath I leave the bedroom and head down to the kitchen. Lucca’s making grilled cheese, and for a second I just stand in the doorway and watch him. Moments like this – when everything feels normal; ordinary – they’re few and far between. Because we’re so far from normal, and there’s nothing ordinary about this life, but, maybe there could be. One day.

Sensing my presence, Lucca glances back over his shoulder and smiles at me. “Want some?”

I shake my head and move further into the room. “No, thank you. I’m not hungry.”

“When was the last time you ate something?”

“Celine made me brunch this morning.”

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