Page 47 of Beautiful Dangerous

He wrenches his arm free of my grip and takes a step back, and I can see it in his eyes, the fear. He’s scared, and he can stand there and tell me he isn’t but he’d be lying.

“He was my best friend, Olivia.”

His voice is low, so quiet I have to strain hard to hear him. “And he wasmyhusband, and I loved him with every breath in my body, but he’s gone, Lucca. He’s gone.”

He breaks the stare, turns his head away, his hands on his hips, and I watch as he takes a long, deep breath. “I can’t, Liv. I just – I can’t.”

“So, what are we supposed to do, hmm? Live out the rest of our days as though he were still alive? Because I can’t do that. I refuse to do that, I don’t see a reason why wehaveto do that.”

He doesn’t respond, he keeps his head turned away from me.

“Look at me, Lucca. Look at me, and tell me you don’t feel the same way I do.”

He shakes his head but I’m not having that. This man isn’t a coward, but he’s acting like one now.

“Look at me, and tell me you don’t love me.”

He waits another moment or two, and then he slowly turns his head, and the second his eyes lock on mine, we both feel it. That connection, that spark, it’s intense, and it’s pushing us toward the inevitable.

“Jesus, Liv…” he sighs, but his hand is on my hip, his fingers digging into me as he leans in, his lips brushing my cheek as he whispers in my ear. “I love you, so much,mi reina.”

“I love you, too,” I breathe, and it’s like my whole body just melts against his as his mouth touches mine, the kiss deep and long, taking me further and further away from this god forsaken world to a place of escape. A beautiful, perfect place…

“No.” He pulls away from me as though I’d just bitten him, taking about a dozen steps back, plunging his hands into his pockets. “No, Liv, I mean it this time. I can’t do this. I can’t do it, I’m sorry.”

I rake my hands back through my hair and watch him as he moves toward the door. “Why, Lucca?”

He looks at me, his head tipping slightly to one side, and his eyes are so sad, I’ve never seen him like this before, and it’s unsettling. Confusing. Terrifying.

“I just can’t,” he says quietly, reaching behind him for the door handle. “We need to forget this. For both our sakes, we need to forget this. Please.”

I don’t know what to say, it’s obvious nothing is going to change his mind, and I don’t know what it is he’s so scared of, why he can’t just be happy, he deserves that. We both deserve to be happy, and I just don’t understand why we’re denying ourselves that chance.

“It isn’t a good idea.” He steps into the open doorway, and when he looks at me I feel my heart break, a pain so real it hurts like hell. “Trust me.”

He closes the door, and I throw my head back and sigh. I’ve never felt so defeated, or alone. I’m so alone. And what scares me the most, now, is that being alone might be something I just have to get used to.

Ten

Olivia

I got the message. He made it crystal clear after that encounter at The Garden last week, and it’s changed things between us. Our relationship feels different, because we stepped over a line, and we can’t go back; can’t erase what happened. And while one of us wishes we could; thinks we should, I don’t want to forget.

Lucca was my lifeline. I’d genuinely thought that he’d be the one to make me finally believe I could move on from Javier, but instead he’s almost gone back to the person he was when Javier and I first got together – cool, professional, there to do his job and nothing more.

Outside on the terrace he’s standing alone, drinking coffee and staring out at the ocean, one hand gripping his mug tightly, the other in his pocket, and I stay in the doorway and watch him for a moment. And I don’t know if he’s finding it easy to pretend we didn’t have sex; that he didn’t tell me he loved me. That he didn’t hearmetell him I lovedhim.If he can do that then he’s dealing with this far better than I am. Me, I’ve been looking for distractions, losing myself in work, and there’s – thankfully – been a lot to keep all of us busy.

I’ve been spending a lot more time at the Devil’s Creed clubhouse than I probably otherwise would’ve done, but it’s given me the kind of distractions I’ve needed over these past few days, and even though Lucca is still by my side, still with me wherever I go, he hasn’t once stepped back from his duties as my faithful lieutenant, no matter what mistake he feels we might have made. But he’s kept his distance. Stayed close enough to make sure no harm comes my way, but no closer. At times it feels like I’m losing him, and I hate that. It scares me.

I walk over to him, crossing my arms, a silent warning to myself, almost, not to touch him. Don’t touch him, he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t wantme…

“You told me it wasn’t a mistake. After we had sex, you looked at me, and you told me it wasn’t a mistake. Did you lie to me?”

He angles his body, just slightly, so he can look at me. “We’ve been through this, Olivia.”

He’s right. We have. A brief, sensible discussion in the car on the way home from The Garden where he, somehow, made me believe that, yes, maybe ithadbeen a mistake. And for a few days I believed he was right, believed that we were never really destined to have that kind of relationship. But as the days have worn on, I think he’s wrong. I think he’s lying not just to himself, but to me, too. It wasn’t a mistake, not in my eyes. It wasn’t. It felt right,hefelt right. I think it felt like the start of something that had always been destined to happen, and I know he feels that, too. I know he believes that just as much as I do, he just won’t allow himself to go there, to feel whatIfeel, because he’s scared of opening himself up in that way. He’s been so used to shutting down his emotions that I think he’s terrified of finally setting them free.

“We need to talk, Lucca.”

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