Page 10 of Beautiful Dangerous

“Friends get in the way.”

He turns around to face me, and he smiles a smile I’ve grown to love. He looks so much more handsome when he smiles. Like he doesn’t have the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“There. How do I look?”

I go over to him and straighten his tie, brushing the shoulders of his dark-blue jacket down before reaching up to kiss him.

“You look so handsome.”

His arm circles my waist, pulling me to him as we kiss again, his mouth warm and soft against mine. “I care about you very much, Olivia. I hope you know that.”

“I know,” I whisper, running my fingers lightly over his neat beard. “I care about you, too.”

“Good. I like to hear that. It makes me very happy.”

He smiles again and lets go of me, and I turn around and look in the mirror, gently smoothing down my strapless black sheath dress. Javier comes up behind me and lays a hand on my hip, his breath warm on my neck as he leans into me.

“My beautiful girl,” he murmurs, his lips lightly brushing my skin. “Stay with me tonight, mi amor. Please.”

I reach for his hand, our fingers sliding together, and I fall back against him. “If that’s what you want.”

He gently turns me around, kissing me deep and slow, and not for the first time I wonder how I got here. How I came to be with this man. A man I’m still not sure I know, not really. I think there’s a huge part of himself that he’s deliberately keeping hidden from me, and there may well be a reason for that, but am I comfortable with his secrets? Because he has them. I’m sure of it.

“What I really want is for you to move in here, permanently. I want this to be your home, Olivia. I want this to beourhome.”

I look down at his hand holding mine, and I close my eyes and take a breath. But I don’t say anything.

“I want you with me, mi niña hermosa. Here, and in Mexico. I want my home there to be yours, too.”

“I have a job here, Javier. I have a life…”

“You will have a better one, with me. I can promise you that.”

He wants me to leave my world and move permanently into his, and even though that scares me, I also know that it’s something I’ve already started to do. I miss him, when I’m not with him. When he’s away I worry about him. I need him, because without him I feel empty, so what he’s asking me to do, it’s already started to happen. And I’m not sure I can stop it now. I’m not sure I want to.

“It still feels like you’re hiding a part of yourself from me, Javier. And if we’re going to be together; if we’re going to be living together, then I think I need to know – Iwantto know all of you, is that too much to ask?”

I hadn’t intended to say that out loud, but I think he needs to know how I feel, if this – whatever it is that we have – is going to go anywhere.

“You know all that you need to, for now, Olivia.”

That’s a veiled reply, and it doesn’t make me feel any more comfortable. But when I look up into his eyes all I see is a man who I know will always be there for me. A man who’ll keep me safe, even though I don’t think I need protecting. A man who loves me. And I love him, too. I think, for now, maybe, I’m happy for that to be enough…

~~~

The party’s ended, a little later than planned, but the house is empty now, except for those who live here, with me. My protection.

I slip off my shoes and step out of my dress, leaving it lying on the bedroom floor as I head into the bathroom and switch on the shower. As is the norm every night before bed, I always feel a need to wash the day off of me.

I stare into the mirror and start to wipe the make-up from my face, I’m washing that mask away, but it’s one I need to wear, every day. To be the woman I have to be now, I need that mask.

Closing my eyes I drop my head, my fingers grasping the edge of the marble sink. And I breathe in deeply, exhaling slowly, I dothisevery night, too. Every morning. It’s become like a ritual for me. I close my eyes and I remember everything Javier taught me, because I wanted to learn. I wanted to know his world, even though it was one that, in the beginning, seemed terrifying to me. And I was scared, of course I was, when I finally learnt the truth about who Javier really was; what he did. What he was capable of. But, it’s funny how love can lessen that fear. I trusted Javier, with my life. I trusted that he would teach me everything I needed to know in order to survive in his world, but I never once thought it would become mine in the way that it has. But the day I was told he’d been gunned down, that was when I knew. Nothing had been clearer. I was taking control. By that time, the girl I’d been when I’d first met Javier had long gone. She’d been consumed by this life, because she’d loved the man who’d made his world one she wanted to live in, no matter how dangerous. The girl I’d once been would never have survived that. The woman I am now, she has.

I slowly raise my head and stare back at my reflection. For women like me, who become involved with men like Javier Delgado, we have two choices when we fall in love. We can either choose to live outside of the circle, and know nothing, or we can choose to live inside it, and know everything. Which means we have to learn tofeelnothing. We have to switch off our emotions, become as cold as our men, it’s the only way. I chose the latter. But there are days when I wonder if I made the wrong choice. Days when I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I’d chosen to stay ignorant of the kind of man Javier was. Days when I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I’d never met him at all…

Lucca

Olivia Delgado is a beautiful monster, one I watched Javier create. She came into his world a naïve young woman, but what she eventually turned into is something very different. Something terrifying. She’s learned to switch off all emotion, when necessary, she can do it in a heartbeat, and I saw that transformation happen, watched that naïve young woman turn into someone who thinks nothing of ordering a hit; taking out a man because he dared to disrespect her. But it’s what she needs to do to survive now, and she knows that.

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