Page 79 of Snowbound with the Santas

That scene plays out in my head. All three of them sitting before me with their handsome faces full of expectation. I’ve had nightmares about moments like this. Having to confess my deepest, darkest secret. Sometimes, it’s my mom in front of me. Other times, it’s my best friend and people from work.

Now it’s the men I love.

Love.

I can’t use that word. I don’t deserve to. I don’t deserve them.

My heart races, pounding inside my chest as, in my head, the truth spills out. I watch Frankie’s lopsided grin vanish. His eyes darken and he can’t look at me. I watch as Archer loses the softness he’s gained over these last few weeks and he returns to the stoic, hard-faced man he was the day I woke up here. And I watch Nick’s warm, welcoming face close up as he realizes he trusted his daughter with a monster.

I don’t notice I’m crying until I blink and cold tears trail down my raw, hot face. Frankie’s still talking to me. He’s moved closer, and when he reaches out for my arm, I jolt away. The floor still wobbles, so walking is a challenge, but I can’t have him touching me. Not right now.

A tight, molten-hot band tightens around my chest, and I raise one hand to my throat as if I can claw open my windpipe just an inch wider. Anything to take a breath.

Frankie surges forward and his hands land on my shoulders. He shakes me sharply and my head snaps back and forth. His brow is deep, and whatever he says draws the attention of Nick and Archer. Their heads snap around, and through my blurry tears, I see the door slam closed and both of them approach.

It’s too much. Their presence is almost as smothering as the heat rising in my own body.

Throwing my arms up is the only way to dislodge Frankie as my heart pounds so loudly. It’s like a drumbeat in my ears and the only thing I can hear over the paper-thin wheeze of my own breathing.

The tight pain in my chest lowers to my abdomen, and try as I might, I’m losing the ability to breathe.

Static fills my head, and when I take a step back, the ground vanishes. I’m falling down… down… down…

My ass hits the floor and sends a sharp jolt of pain up my spine. As I scramble back with a gasp, the jolt seems to bring me out of my silent world, and Nick’s voice drifts toward me. He’s right in front of me and yet he sounds like he’s talking through a bad cell connection.

“Rayne, it’s okay… breathe… you need to take a deep… he’s gone.”

A deep breath.

Through my tears, their wobbly mirages dance back and forth. I can’t tell him how hard it is for me to breathe.

Suddenly, Archer’s woody smell fills my nose on my next short breath, and he thrusts something rough over my mouth. I struggle immediately and try to push him away, but he’s steadfast in holding something over my mouth.

I gasp.

Breathing out inflates whatever it is, and breathing back in causes it to crumple and crackle.

“Keep going,” he barks, and his voice is clearer.

I have no choice but to obey.

In and out.

In and out.

Over and over.

Whether it’s his presence or the paper bag over my face, I can’t be sure, but gradually, each short breath becomes a little longer. The band across my chest starts to loosen, and the static feeling in my head softens.

“That’s it,” Archer says. His voice is stronger with each passing minute. “Keep breathing just like that. Focus on nothing else.”

“A panic attack,” says Frankie’s voice. I blearily look up. Frankie’s pacing back and forth behind Nick, repeatedly running his hand through his hair. Nick is on his haunches in front of me, his face twisted into concern.

They’re all here for me. Worried.

I want to stay here forever. Just in this bubble. Sure, I feel like shit, but they don’t know the truth yet. Right now, they still care for me.

“It’s an old method,” Archer says quietly, “but it works.”

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