Page 53 of A Christmas Mystery

I sit very still for what feels like a long time, staring at his tense body and anxious, emotional face.

He’s so upset. Every bit as upset as I am. And he’s terrified about my reaction.

And my reaction is... impossible to describe. My whole being is flooded with far too many conflicting feelings, and I’m not sure I’ll ever untangle them.

I stand up abruptly.

“Maya, please,” he says hoarse and urgent. “Just talk to me. I understand if you’re angry or hurt, but we can work through it. I’m sure it feels like a betrayal, but that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do with you. I was just... I was just so scared.” He takes my face in both his hands, holding it tenderly. “Scared I’d lose everything.”

“I... I... don’t...” I can’t get anything said. I pull out of his hands with a jerk since it feels like the earth is shaking beneath my feet. And I’m falling. Falling. I might never stop falling.

“It’s been me the whole time. The real me. I’ve been my real self with you this whole last year and I’ve been my real self with you these past two weeks. Everything we shared was real. We’re good together. You know that too. We can be... we can be happy together.”

His voice keeps breaking, and it’s breaking my heart.

I hug my arms tightly to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut through a few silent sobs.

“Please don’t cry, Maya. It’s going to be all right. Just tell me what you need from me, and I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you anything.” He reaches out for me again, but he stops himself this time.

I can’t stand to see his face. See his heart in his eyes. I stare out one of my windows as I manage to force out, “I’d like... I’d like you to leave now.”

“No, no, no. Please don’t push me away. If we can just talk—”

“I can’t talk right now.” I sound colder than I feel. Almost brittle. Completely unnatural for the person I’ve always been. “I need... I need space. I can’t even breathe.”

“Okay,” he rasps as he collects his sweater and his jacket and his shoes from the floor. “Okay. I’ll leave for now so you can get some breathing room. But please don’t push me away.”

I open the door for him, needing to get him away since it feels like I’m going to shatter into pieces at any moment.

He steps out onto my deck in his jeans, T-shirt, and socks. “I should have told you before. I should have been... been braver. I never meant to hurt you, but I can see that’s what I’ve done. But I love you, Maya.” I choke on another sob as he continues, “I can wait for you. I can give you all the time you need. I’ve already waited more than half my life for you. I can wait however much longer you need me to do. But you’ve been happy with me these past two weeks, and I know—I’m absolutely certain—that we could make each other happy for the rest of our lives.”

The final words are almost wistful.

I close the door in his face and burst into tears.

Ten

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