Page 15 of A Christmas Mystery

Like home.

When I look back at Theo, I catch him watching me. “What is it?”

He shakes his head. “Why did you stay away for so long?”

I shrug, uncomfortable by the question. I’m generally a fairly open and honest person. I don’t mind sharing myself with other people, whether or not we’re particularly close. I don’t have a lot of boundaries and hang-ups about keeping my thoughts to myself, which is why I’ve been able to so easily fall into sharing private reflections with such a huge number of followers.

But it’s different writing a post online and sending it out to faceless numbers. That feels like less of a risk than answering Theo’s question.

Because it’s Theo. Someone I’ve known forever but never liked or trusted.

I’m not the kind of person who is able to put on a mask, so I either have to shut him down completely or else give him a genuine answer.

Shutting him down would be rude. It would feel mean, and that’s not me. He’s been helping me for whatever reason, so surely I owe him basic civility.

“I don’t know,” I say at last. “I guess I was kind of afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” He’s looking at me for real. Seeing me. His expression is sober and thoughtful.

At the moment, he doesn’t seem scowly and aloof. It feels like he’s really listening to me.

Which makes it safe enough for me to admit, “I was afraid if I came back I’d be... I’d be drowned in grief again. That being around all the places and people connected to Chris would be too much for me.”

“And is it?” he asks quietly. “Are you drowning?”

I shake my head. “I still feel sad sometimes. I miss him. But it’s different now. Green Valley still feels like home to me, but somehow it feels like it’s moved on the way I have.”

He doesn’t answer immediately, but when I shoot him a quick look, it’s clear he’s thinking about what I said. “Yeah. I guess it feels that way to me too even though I never went away. Like the town has reshaped itself without him.”

The choice of words hit me strangely. My throat tightens and my eyes burn. “In a way, it doesn’t seem right. It’s not fair that the void he left in the world gets filled eventually. He was important enough that that empty space should remain forever, but I guess that’s not how life works.”

“No.” Theo shifts strangely, making a weird gesture with his hand. Like he started to reach out but changed his mind. “It’s not right, but it happens anyway.”

“Do you have another best friend now?” I’ve been looking downward—at my boots and his shoes against the sidewalk—but I glance up as I ask the question.

He works his jaw briefly. “No. I don’t.” He waits a beat before he asks, “Have you found someone else to love?”

I shake my head. “No.”

For some reason, this brief, stilted exchange makes me feel closer to Theo than I ever have before. Chris was an only child, and his parents are shallow and self-involved. If anyone in the world misses Chris the way I do and understands the poignancy of the world going on without him, it’s Theo.

He takes a slightly raspy breath. Then he puts a light hand on his mouth as we start to walk in the direction of my campground. As we start, he reaches over to unhook the strap of my big bag from my shoulder so he can carry it for me.

I’m surprised by the gesture, but it must be second nature for him. Like rescuing me from the bullies back in school. He does it because that’s the way he’s been raised, whether the other person means something to him or not.

“Do you want to?” he asks after we’ve made it down two blocks in silence.

“Do I want to what?”

“Find someone else to love.”

There’s nothing hostile or accusatory in the question, but it rouses my defenses anyway. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know. I was just asking if you’d thought about it.”

“Of course I’ve thought about it.” My voice sounds tired—exhausted—to my own ears. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’d like to find someone to spend my life with. Start a family with. I wanted that with Chris, and the desire doesn’t go away just because the person it was supposed to happen with is gone.”

“It might go away. I don’t much want to have another best friend again.”

---