Page 51 of A Christmas Mystery

He’s stretched out lengthwise on the couch the way he always seems to end up. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” he asks thickly.

My heart pulses at the endearment. “Do you want to have sex with me, Theo?”

“Of course I do. You know I do.” He hefts himself up to a sitting position beside me.

“When we... when we talked about it before, you said you wanted us to not jump into that until we had time to settle into things. You wanted to make sure I’m ready and that this is really what I want.” I swallow hard. “I appreciate that you gave us that time. It’s helped me to know for sure that I want to be with you. But I know it now. All the way. You’re the man I want, Theo, and I’d like for us to be together in every way.”

His face changes. Transforms with an emotion that’s awed and full of joy at first but then tightens into something like fear. Or guilt.

Something entirely unexpected.

I make a choked sound at what I see in his expression. “As long... as long as I’m still who you want.”

“You’re the only person I want, Maya. And it’s been that way for a really long time.” His features twist in obvious reluctance. “And I want to have sex with you more than anything, but I need to tell you something first.”

It still feels like I’m strangling, but I make myself breathe through it. My heart is racing as I resituate myself so I’m not all over him. “Okay. Is something... is something wrong?”

“No. Not exactly. There’s just something I haven’t told you, and I feel like I need to do it before we... we take this next step.” He’s not warm and relaxed anymore. He’s not radiating that happy affection I’ve sensed in him for the past week.

He’s nervous. Awkward. He’s not meeting my eyes.

I try to mentally brace myself as I nod. “Okay. You can tell me.”

He clears his throat. “I... I’ve been into you for a long time. A really long time. I’ve told you that before, but I didn’t give you specifics. I was crazy about you back in school.”

This isn’t what I expect. I blink a few times. “While I was with Chris?”

“Before that.” He’s staring down at the floor. His shoulders and jaw are visibly tense. “That... that winter dance your sophomore year. You remember?”

“The one Chris asked me to? That first time we got together?”

“Yes. That dance. I was planning to ask you first.”

My stomach is doing weird flip-flops, but this doesn’t sound nearly as bad as I feared. “What? Chris wouldn’t have asked me if he’d known you—”

“No, no, he didn’t know. I didn’t tell anyone. I was... It was my secret. That you were special to me. So that year I finally resolved to do something about it. There was that dance coming up, and I tried over and over again to ask you.”

“I don’t understand. Why didn’t you ask? You never even—”

“I was shy. Painfully shy. And it felt like asking you at last after liking you for so long was an enormous risk. So I was still trying to work up the courage when Chris caught up with me at school one day and told me he’d asked you to the dance. And you’d said yes.”

“Oh my God.” My chest is actually aching for him. I reach over to squeeze his knee. “I’m so sorry, Theo. I had no idea about any of it, but that must have been so hard for you.”

“It was... terrible. I think he noticed you for the first time shortly before he asked you, but he was all in with you pretty quick. And then you two were a pair. Always together. And any hope I’d ever had was... was gone.” He’s still speaking gruff and stilted. This confession is incredibly hard for him.

“Oh no.” I rub his thigh, seeking to comfort him in any way I can. “What did you do?”

He shrugs. “There was nothing to do. I tried to put my feelings aside. Talk myself out of wanting you. But the problem is that the closer you got to Chris, the more I got to know you too. And the more I got to know you, the more there was of you for me to... to want. So I tried to avoid you. Tried not to talk to you too much so I could keep my feelings in check.”

“I really thought you hated me and didn’t think I was good enough for Chris.”

“I’m sorry you thought that, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t have those feelings for my best friend’s girl. I couldn’t let myself get any deeper.” He rubs his face with one of his hands. “I tried to be interested in other girls. As you know, I’m not the most outgoing of people, but I forced myself to ask other women out just so I could try to get over you.”

“Did it work?”

“To a certain extent. My feelings for you never went away, but they weren’t always so urgent and so right in the front of my mind. I really did try. I had a couple of relationships that lasted almost a year. They both fell apart for what felt like natural reasons at the time, but now I wonder if one of the reasons I could never really make it work with someone else is because you were... you were always there first.”

I put a hand on my chest. Over my heart. It’s aching almost painfully for what Theo must have gone through for so long when I had absolutely no clue.

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