Page 38 of An Engagement Pact

Fear.

It slices through my arousal so sharply that I pull away, gasping frantically.

“What’s the matter?” he asks thickly. He doesn’t pursue the kiss after my withdrawal although he obviously wants to. “I thought we were doing pretty good.”

“We were. It was way better than good. But... but...”

“You’re getting scared again.”

I nod. Sniff. Straighten my back. I’m still straddling his lap, and it feels intimate in ways that aren’t purely sexy. “I don’t know why. I haven’t been scared at all today and yesterday.”

“I didn’t think so. I thought you’d finally...”

I’m not sure how he’s planning to finish that sentence. I’m not sure I want to know. It might make me feel like an uptight mess of a woman. “I felt better about things. Even though we had sex, I was feeling more comfortable with you. But now I’m...”

“You’re getting scared again.” He sighs and gently helps me climb off his lap.

“You’re mad?” I’m really worried about this. I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose for anything.

“No, I’m not mad.” He gives me a quirky smile. “I’m painfully turned on at the moment, but once that’s dealt with, I’ll be fine. I get it. Sex makes things more complicated. It’s totally fine if you’d rather not get into all that while we have this whole engagement plan going on.”

“I just feel like it will keep things simpler and less messy. But I feel bad.”

“Why do you feel bad?”

“Well, it seems like... like you want to...”

He laughs, and it sounds sincere. Not bitter at all. “Of course I want to have sex with you, Vicky, but I’m not some sort of slave to my carnal urges. I like hanging out with you in other ways too, and I do want to go through with our plan. So we’ll just say, for now, no sex. And we better say no kissing other than quick pecks in public because kissing you is going to make me really want to have sex with you.”

I’m deeply relieved. And oddly gratified by the low-key, considerate manner he’s taking what has to feel like a rejection. “Okay. Thank you. No sex and no real kissing. We’ll stick to the plan.”

Johnny Cash is still serenading us in the background. I smile and am pleased when Dan smiles back.

This will be better. This will be much safer.

We can be friends and go through with our pretense of engagement and marriage for the rest of the world, but we don’t have to complicate matters with uncomfortable intimacy or a messy physical relationship.

Maybe once it’s over, we can see where we stand.

Maybe Dan won’t immediately dump me when he gets what he wants.

Maybe I can learn to trust him. Rely on him in certain ways.

As long as I don’t give him everything.

That would be a huge mistake.

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