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She grew still. “So?”

“So have you thought recently about how you’re going to feel when he dies in a couple of months?”

The words were soft. Very mild. But they hit her hard nonetheless.

Her fingers trembled on her glass of fizzy water. She had to suck in a few breaths before she could speak. “I’ve thought about it.”

“And what are your conclusions?”

“I’ll…” The truth was she hadn’t let herself think much about it. It was too hard. Like a tidal wave cresting over her, ready tocrash at any moment. Completely drown her. “I’ll deal with it when it happens.”

“Yes. That’s what I thought. That’s what I’m worried about. Surely you can’t blame me for that. I honestly do like Jude, but I love you. You’re the one I’m most concerned about.”

The matter-of-fact words touched her so much her eyes blurred over. She took a few more deep breaths. “I get that, Dad. But what am I supposed to do? You can’t possibly think I’d ever… ever go back on my deal with him now.”

“No. I know you wouldn’t do that. That would hurt Jude very badly. I wouldn’t want you to do that.”

“So what then? What else is there to do but what I’m doing?”

“You can try to protect yourself better.” He took off his glasses and wiped them with a white cloth napkin. “Emotionally. You don’t have to push him away, but maybe you can construct a few guardrails around your feelings. I know you have a soft heart, and I know how bad you feel for what Jude is going through. But you’re the one who’s going to be left alone after he’s gone. Can you try to withhold enough of yourself that you don’t fall apart when that happens?”

She licked her lips. Glanced away. This was a lot more intimate than their conversations normally got. “I… I don’t know how to do that.”

“You do that by not thinking only about him. I know that what’s happening to Jude isn’t his fault, but it isn’t your fault either. I agree we should help him in any reasonable way these last months, but he’s not the only one who matters. Listen to me, Eve. You matter too.”

She closed her eyes. Shook slightly as she desperately tried to restrain a wave of emotion.

“I’m not blaming him for his condition, but he’s made choice after choice in his life that has led him to be mostly alone right now. It’s not your responsibility to fix everything for him.”

“I know,” she choked out. “I know it’s not.”

“So try to protect yourself. Pull back emotionally when you need to. Hold some of yourself in a safe place where he won’t be able to touch it. You don’t have to push him away. I’m not asking you to do that. But don’t give him everything. He’s a thoughtful, sensitive man. If he was thinking more clearly, he wouldn’t want you to do that either.”

“He’s not doing anything wrong!”

“I didn’t say he is. He’s just not looking past his lifetime. I am.”

A single tear escaped her right eye. She surreptitiously wiped it away. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”

“Good. So help him out as much as you want. Be there for him when he needs it. But don’t give him everything. Try to protect yourself.”

“I will. You’re right. I will.”

Jude worked until late that evening. Eve had to make him stop to eat a sandwich for dinner and rest on the couch for an hour before he got writing again.

He looked so tired and drained that she gave him a head massage like she had before. She liked the feel of his head on her lap. She liked how he responded to her touch, his body softening and his breath deepening.

But she remembered her father’s words, and she didn’t let herself feel too much.

She’d been feeling far too soft and mushy lately, and it wasn’t good for her. She couldn’t harden her heart to Jude. She simply didn’t have it in her. But she could construct a shell around it so nothing new could penetrate.

She was fully committed to taking care of Jude until he died. Committed to being a companion and making his final days better.

But she couldn’t fall for him or offer him her heart. She’d have nothing left after he was gone.

So she was going to guard her heart, exactly as her father had advised.

When he forced himself up from the couch to return to his desk to work, she went upstairs to take a bath and change into her pajamas. She probably should have stayed in her room to read, but it was too lonely up there. She went back down to the library and settled in the window seat.

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