Page 113 of Counted

She swallowed visibly. “I know. But you’ve had a lot of headaches, and some of them have been devastating. I don’t want that for you for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t want that either. I agree we can work out a way to control them.”

“You do?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that you seem…” She cleared her throat and shrugged, resting her head on his chest again. “I don’t know.”

“I seem what?” His heartbeat had accelerated for no good reason.

“I don’t know. Like you’re not… you’re nothopeful.”

He thought about that for a few minutes and decided she must have picked up on his angst about her feelings for him but misattributed it.

She thought he was worried about having migraines for the rest of his life.

When in fact he was worried about spending the rest of his life without her.

The logical solution would be for him to bring it up, but a bone-deep anxiety held his tongue. As soon as he brought it up, he’d get a definitive answer.

And that answer might not be the one he desperately wanted.

He was usually the kind of person who liked decisions made and puzzles solved, but the stakes to this particular question were way too high.

At least if he waited, he’d get more time with Eve.

Finally he said, “It’s not that I’m not hopeful. It’s just that I’d settled my whole existence around dying. Now that I’m not, it’s… it’s a difficult transition.”

“I get that. But you’re… you’re happy, aren’t you? That you’re going to live?”

“Yes. I’m happy. I never wanted to die.” He sighed. “I have so much left to do.”

“You really do.”

“And the first thing I need to do,” he began, shifting her over and onto her back before moving on top of her, “is make sure you get to have a very good morning too.”

“I was already having a good morning,” she said with a little giggle as he nuzzled her neck and started moving down her body.

“Well, you can have an even better one then.” He pushed up her gown so he could reach her breasts and belly.

“You really don’t have to do that, Jude.” Her hands were combing through his loose hair.

He lifted his head to check her face. “Do you not want me to? I thought you enjoyed it last time.”

“I did! I mean, I do. I just don’t want you to… to feel… obliged.” When he frowned, she looked uncomfortable and babbled on. “I mean, I appreciate it, but you don’t have to. I like to do it for you. I’m not expecting reciprocation. So it’s fine if you… if you… I mean, I do it because I like to make you feel good.”

He was breathing heavily, trying to work out why she was protesting and why she looked so self-conscious. “Why do you assume I don’t feel exactly the same way? If you enjoy making me feel good, then you should understand how much I love doing this for you.”

She gulped. Her eyes were huge and round. “You do?”

“Yes.” He paused, his heart starting to sink. “Why would you even question it?”

He sat up, his breath coming out as harsh panting. He was unduly troubled by her response, by her questioning why he would want to please her as much as she’d always pleased him.

“Please don’t be upset, Jude,” she said, pulling down her gown as she sat up too. “I didn’t mean it as any sort of insult. Of course I know you’re kind and generous. You’d never take without wanting to give back. It’s just… It’s just…” Her face twisted. She dropped her eyes.

He was overreacting. He knew he was, but he couldn’t seem to help it. He moved over to the side of the bed and dropped his legs. Leaned forward and tried to even out his breathing.

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