Page 15 of Counted

“Okay. Good.”

They looked at each other for a minute. She liked how big he seemed, standing in front of her. His build was lean—like a runner rather than a bodybuilder—but he still felt like he took up a lot of space. He had a lot of hair. Not just on his head and face but on his chest. And a strip leading down beneath his waistband.

She liked the looks of that too.

He didn’t appear nervous, but he was maybe a bit self-conscious the way she was. He went over and turned on the lamp next to his bed.

The overhead light was still on in the room, so she went to flip the switch near the door and turned it off.

It felt better when the light was dimmer. Like she wasn’t so completely exposed.

He folded the covers down farther and got into bed, then watched her as she walked around to the other side, stretching out as she climbed in and propping his head up on the pillows. She wasn’t sure how to position herself, and lying down would make her feel vulnerable. So she stayed sitting next to her pillows with her legs folded up beneath her.

“What did you mean, you aren’t good at it?” Jude asked.

Her breath hitched as she realized she’d admitted something she would have preferred to keep private. But it didn’t seem right to lie to him, so she told him the truth. “I’m not very good at sex.”

He frowned up at her. “Why would you say that?”

“Because that’s what my boyfriends all thought.”

His frown deepened, but his disapproval didn’t appear focused on her.

“They weren’t mean about it or anything. But they never seemed really… happy with my performance in bed. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it. I did. But I think they wanted me to be more… openly enthusiastic. More creative and adventurous. I did try to please them, but I never… I could never let go of all my inhibitions the way they wanted.”

“Sounds like they watched too much porn,” he said dryly.

“Maybe. I thought about that. If it was just one of them, I would’ve assumed he had unrealistic expectations about what real sex is like, but all three of them… No, it wasn’t them. It was me.”

She was shocked—utterly shocked at herself—for babbling out so much that was so intimate. She flushed hotly but also felt oddly relieved, as if she’d let go of what had been weighing her down.

Jude was clearly listening. His gray eyes were focused on her face in sober reflection.

“I’m not saying anything is wrong with me,” she added. “People are different. I’m just not a loud, uninhibited person. Not everyone is… is wild and sexy. I’m good at other stuff.”

His mouth twitched slightly. His eyes warmed.

She couldn’t help but giggle at the amusement in his expression. “You can laugh if you want.”

“I would never laugh at you, Eve. Not after you told me something so deeply personal. Thank you for telling me. I’m sure we’ll do just fine. And you must realize that I’m hardly some sort of sex god myself. I haven’t even tried to date in two years.”

She let out a breath. She’d been hoping that was true about him, given his social habits, and it took a lot of pressure off her. “That’s good then. We can just do the best we can?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay.” She was still sitting up on the bed, looking down at him.

“Okay.” He reached out and placed his hand on her thigh over her gown. Lightly. Not intrusive. “Since you were so open with me, here is my confession. I genuinely believed I’d never have sex again. Not again in my life. So this—tonight—is a gift.”

Her heart clenched as she heard the words. Understood they were true.

Jude went on. “No matter how we do it, no matter how you act, no matter how quiet you are, it’s a gift I wasn’t expecting, and I promise I’ll enjoy it for what it is. I don’t want you to feel any sort of pressure to perform. I want you to be… comfortable, so I’ll let you take the lead. We can do anything that feels right to you, and I’ll appreciate it. Appreciateyou.”

He couldn’t have said anything more thoughtful or considerate. The words spoke to a kindness at the heart of him she hadn’t fully recognized before. He was thinking about her as much as himself.

So while she would have preferred for him to take charge simply because then she wouldn’t have to make decisions about steps and positions, she wouldn’t dream of objecting to his generosity.

She nodded to acknowledge what he’d said and then glanced at the bedside lamp that was still dimly illuminating the room.Part of her wanted it to be dark since it seemed safer, but then she wouldn’t be able to see him.

---