Page 126 of Dmitri

Jesus, why am I grappling for some thread of an excuse to let Kaleb off the hook for what he’s done to me? How fucked in the head have I become?

“Youdoknow what love is, Daelyn, and what it’s not.” He leans back and cups my face. “Love is doing anything for someone, taking care of them and being there for them. It’s what you do for Addie. What you have with Kaleb…” He stops for a moment, and a sigh rumbles out of him. “Maybe it started as love but grew toxic. Maybe it was never real to begin with. Maybe it’s a combo. But it’snotlove now. No man should treat you the way he has.”

I know. Even when I was sixteen and he took my virginity, I felt sick about it afterwards. But I attached myself to Kaleb because he was a scary dog who bit everyone but me. He made me feel special.

Until he sank his teeth into me, too.

“Love is supposed to be unconditional,” I argue, more to myself than Dmitri.

“True, but not really. It’s one thing to love someone who has imperfections, but love should never hurt like this,” he argues, stroking his finger along the cut on my arm. “Or this.” He kisses my bruised neck. “Or this.” He lays a gentle peck by my bloodshot eye.

He’s right, and it makes me so sad. “I don’t know love-love. Not like the kind—”

I almost saylike the kind I feel for you, but I hold that shit in and shut up. I’m not in love with Dmitri. At least I don’t think I am. I can’t be. I shouldn’t be. What I feel for him is only the effects of some kind of hero worship caused by a terrible event gone wrong and I’m clinging to a sliver of bright light as if it’ll save me from being devoured by the darkness of my miserable life.

Dmitri is that light. Even if I know, deep down, he can’t save me.

Even if I know, deep down, that I’m attracted to him because he’s just another version of comfortable chaos.

Love-love isn’t something I deserve. I’ve never had it from anyone. My foster parents didn’t love me. I was only a government check in the mail, which they spent on themselves. Teachers didn’t love me. I was one more body in the classroom, struggling to memorize useless information. I didn’t have friends. No one wanted to be near an unstable person like me. Any guy I tried to be with, Kaleb would interfere and ruin it. Hell, I don’t even know what unconditional love means, outside of what I feel for Addie, and she doesn’t count.

My whole existence is based on conditions. Be quiet. Be clean. And above all else, be obedient. If I didn’t do those things, I was severely punished or rehomed. Kaleb only amplified that lifestyle.Do as I say, or I won’t love you. Do this job for me, or I’ll be disappointed in you. Obey or I’ll make you regret it.

“I’ve never been in love,” Dmitri confides, bringing me out of my thoughts. “I mean, I love my friends. Hell, I’d die for every one of them, but I’ve never love-loved a woman in my life. I’ve never seen one and thought…There she is.”

His icy eyes soften as he stares at me. Silence spreads between us like invisible strings are pulling us in oppositedirections of time and space. Even though he’s holding me in his arms, I feel like I’m floating miles and miles away from him.

I’m terrified of how this is going to end.

“I have an idea,” he says suddenly. “How about we go for a bike ride and get some fresh air?”

I don’t want to. In his concrete basement bedroom, I feel safe. Outside, I don’t. I’ll be looking over my shoulder for one of Kaleb’s men. I’ll be checking my phone, wondering if he’s tracking me.

“Can’t we just stay here and train more?” I’m on limited time. It feels like there’s too much to do for us to stop now and go on a joy ride.

“Trust me.” He pulls me along with him. “I’ll make it worth it.”

???

Dmitri might be right. Being a backpack on his motorcycle, with my arms wrapped around his body, the loud hum of his bike and the air whipping against my limbs makes me feel good. He takes us out of the city and onto a bunch of back roads. We stop and have lunch at this little joint that claims fame for their hand cut fries.

“Damn, that’s good.” He takes another big chomp of his smashburger. “I’m fucking starving.”

I left my cell at the Monarch. It’s better this way, and I don’t have to worry about missing a call from Addie because she’s in the middle of the ocean, fishing. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“How did you start working at the Monarch?” I pluck a fry and eat it.

Dmitri wipes his mouth with a napkin. “It’s a long story, but the club is Ryker’s, and we go way back. We’ve been througheverything together. When he opened the Monarch, it was only natural I’d be his right-hand man.”

“So, you’ve always been a Dom?”

“No. I trained and studied for years. It’s not as easy as some think.” He stuffs a wad of fries in his mouth and chews. “Some idiots think using the title grants them permission to do whatever they want in a scene. There are safety measures to consider, after care, psychology. It’s not all whips and fun times.”

“Do you like it?”

“I love it. Being trusted to make a woman feel good, to give her an outlet and watch her unfurl and explode is fucking phenomenal. Honestly, it’s the most rewarding job I can think of.”

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