Page 22 of Mafia Christmas Vows

A tree so tall, it towers over me, and I have absolutely no idea how two short women managed to cover the entire thing in decorations and lights in the span of a day.

“Alexei!” Elena says, her joy oozing from her words. “Look what the new lady of the house has done!”

New lady of the house.

Magdalena’s brown eyes turn on me, her cherry-red lips tilted in an expectant lilt.

“Do you like it?”

My heart slams in my chest.

I can’t see the room. Not anymore. All that I see around me is my mother. The happiness she had when putting out the decorations. The way she used to hold me up to the tree to place the decorations.

The smell of her underneath the citrus-sweet smell that’s dominating the air.

Grief.

That is what claws at my chest.

Grief. Loss. I feel the absence of my mother like a bullet wound. No, not a single bullet. A shotgun wound, a gaping hole in my chest that I can’t seem to fill, and that can’t be repaired by any number of stitches.

My ears ring, and the sounds of the festive music turn to a screech in my mind.

I miss her.

The thought bubbles forward, and it feels like it’s going to break me.

I have not missed my mother in…

Years.

I have not allowed myself to miss her. I have not allowed myself to feel the grief that’s ripping me apart. My blood sizzles through my veins, and my heart pounds against the edges of my ribs.

I have to get out of here.

I turn and run.

The hallways of Orlov House twist around me. The portraits of my ancestors seem to leer, ashamed of my cowardice.

Ashamed of the depth of loss that’s drowning me right now.

My footsteps beat, a drum that matches the pounding in my chest. I run until I find myself in a room covered in draped sheets, ghosts that are illuminated only by the pale light coming from the large windows that look over the grounds.

Her rooms.

It’s dark in here. Quiet. I hiss out a breath, trying to get myself under control.

I almost have it.

Then, I hear a sweet, resonant voice.

“Alexei?”

I screw my eyes shut. “Not now, Magdalena.”

I wish she would take the hint.

“Alexei. Look. I’m sorry, I don’t know…”

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