Page 37 of Fractured Rhythm

I didn’t.

“I know. I should probably go home, but I wasn’t there for you at his funeral. I want to be here for you today. We don’t have to talk about anything else. Hell, we don’t even have to talk about Jamie. We can watch a movie or something. But let me be here for you, like I should’ve been two years ago, and long before that.”

The steel around my heart fractured at his words. I wanted that more than anything. I had wanted that more than anything. I inwardly scoffed. Who was I kidding? I still wanted that, even if my head told me to tell him to leave, shut the door in his face, and deal with him on a day when I wasn’t emotionally destroyed.

“Come in,” I said as I gripped the edge of the door and pulled it completely open.

“Cookies and cream?” he asked, eyeing the slowly melting ice cream container on the coffee table.

I shrugged. “I already had some pistachio. Trying to mix it up at ten in the morning.”

“Some things never change,” he said, putting the pizza box down next to the ice cream.

“And sometimes everything changes,” I said, flopping down on the couch, no longer interested in the ice cream. Not that I wanted pizza at ten a.m. Hell, who even made pizza at ten a.m.? Must be nice to be a rock star.

“Can I sit next to you?” he asked, his gaze holding mine.

I enjoyed his nervousness more than I should.

“Fine,” I said, holding in my breath when he sat down, leaving a few inches between us.

“We can talk about anything you want, Cas. Or we can just sit here,” he said.

“No. I think I want to talk about him.” I turned to face him, curling one leg under the other. “Fuck. I miss him so damn much, and I hate him for not being here. I keep thinking that if I’d been around, spent more time with him that last year, maybe, I don’t know, maybe I could’ve helped.” I dropped my head, willing the tears away. But it was no use, and if I couldn’t cry today, when could I?

I startled when he linked his fingers with mine, tugging my hand closer to him. I raised my head, catching the pain in his eyes that must have matched mine.

“You can’t think that at all, Cas. You couldn’t have prevented this from happening. We tried for years with him. So many bouts of rehab and he swore he had control of it and he wasn’t continually using. We thought he’d quit, but he was just sneakier,” Bash said, and it broke my heart.

“This is Linda’s fault. She got him hooked, and then she bailed on us. Not that she was doing us any good by sticking around, but she was our goddamn mother and she taught him how to shoot up.” I let out a harsh laugh and let the anger overtake me. It was better than the tears.

“That woman was always a piece of work. I’m glad you got free of her.”

“Me too,” I whispered.

“You know, I was supposed to be with him that night,” he said.

“What? But you don’t…” I trailed off.

“No. I never touched the stuff. Hell, I shouldn’t tell you this. You might hate me even more, but I want to be honest with you and put everything out there. I was supposed to hang out with him that night, but I bailed at the last minute. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

And this time I squeezed his hand.

BASH

I told herI wanted to be completely honest with her, but I held back the fact that I bailed on my best friend for a random hookup. She didn’t need to hear that part. She was hurting enough, and if we ever had a chance to make whatever this was work again, talking about women I’d randomly fucked was not the way to do it.

I’d given her the day that I’d promised Jax. It was a risk to show up unannounced, but I didn’t want to give her the chance to tell me to stay away.

“You couldn’t have stopped it,” she said, her fingers still linked with mine like the lifeline I desperately needed.

“That’s what everyone says, but there’s no way of knowing.” It’d haunted me for the last two years.

“If it hadn’t been that night, it would’ve been another night if he was already that far gone. I always knew he’d hit rock bottom at some point; I’d just hoped he would’ve come out of it still breathing,” she said.

“I know, and I hate that we didn’t have enough power to help him, or show him all he had to live for. Not that I think for one minute he was trying to OD, but I wish we could’ve helped him. Fuck.” I dropped my head to stare at our linked hands and tried not to groan when she lightly trailed her hand through my hair.

“He would’ve hated this look on you,” she said, and I knew she was smiling without even looking at her. I could hear it in her voice.

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