Page 29 of The County Fair Queen

"It doesn't make any sense, though," Rivers said.

"That's what I told him," Jordan agreed. "Didn't stop him from dating the guy for six months. He used to make Phillip watch straight porn and… " He brought his hand to his lap and pumped the air in front of his crotch.

"Jordan Maxwell Miller!" I leapt off the couch, ignoring the dull throb radiating through the back of my skull. "That's enough. No one wants to hear about my masturbatory habits." I turn and glare at Rivers. "Shut up, Mr. Mayor. Just shut up."

He lifted his hands in surrender. "I didn't say anything."

"He wound up calling it a day when the guy switched it up to lesbian porn. Apparently, Phillip had just been staring at the men in the videos to guide him toward completion."

"Good," Rivers said, batting his eyes dreamily at me. "I'm proud of you."

I groaned.

Jordy cuddled up closer to Aunt Lurlene. "Then there was the time he lived as an adult baby with his daddy-dom."

Falling back to the couch, I covered my face with my hands, ignoring the stinging sensation in my ass. "Why are you likethis? That was for three months. It was only supposed to be a Grindr hookup, but the guy held me at gunpoint—"

"As I recall, he held you at Roman Candle-point."

"Roman Candle-point?" Rivers said.

"He aimed one at my stomach and threatened to light it. What the hell was I supposed to do?"

"Adult baby?" Aunt Lurlene asked.

Jordan nodded, resting his head on her knee. "He wore a onesie and had a pacifier with baby elephants on it. The man set up a playroom for him and everything. It was precious."

"It was kidnapping," I muttered.

"You should see the pictures," Jordan said. "He was scowling in most of them, but there's this really cute one of him playing with Barbies with the biggest smile on his face. I don't think I've ever seen a more content soul in my life."

"Her name was Elenore, and she was the only friend I had for a quarter of a year. You were supposed to come and get me, but you went off gallivanting, doing God knows what."

"You texted me telling me you were going on a cruise. How the hell was I supposed to know he'd stolen your phone?"

"He signed the text message'sincerely, Not Phillip's Kidnapper.'"

"Exactly. What kidnapper is going to sign a text message that way? For that matter, who signs a text message? Besides, he sent snapshots of you. You seemed happy." He squeezed Aunt Lurlene's knee. "I was rooting for them. I'd never seen him so at peace. What was your safe word again, Phillip? Puberty, was it? Penetration? Penile enhancement surgery?"

"Perpendicular, you son of a bitch. It was perpendicular, and you know it."

Rivers cleared his throat. "So, about the show. Was there something I can do to help? I'm guessing that's what thismeeting is all about. Do you need to punch me in the face or something?"

"Why the hell would I punch you in the face? I'm not an animal."

"Just thought it might help," he said, sounding a bit sad. "Figured you might want to make me the villain or something. Give the viewers someone to hate."

"Well, baby," Aunt Lurlene said. "Why would anyone hate you? You're the sweetest soul I know."

"You should probably get out more," I said to her.

"Listen, Lake," Brenda/Carole said. "I assumed Phil would have filled you in on this before I got here, but it seems the burden falls on me. Our subscribers? They demand a viewing experience. Nostalgia of the highest caliber. They're not tuning in to see Big Ben over there awkwardly hit on Phillip's geriatric father." Jordan squeaked his displeasure. Preston, though? Preston looked bloodthirsty. "They want passion. Drama. That's where you come in."

"Pardon?" Rivers said, cocking his head to the side.

"We're going to need you two to fall in love," she clarified with a dastardly grin. "For the next two weeks, you two are going to be attached at the hip. Give the girls and gays someone to swoon over."

"Boyfriends? I—You want us to—I mean…" He jerked his head in my direction, eyes wide, his mouth hanging open. "You want me to court Phillip? You want us to f-fall in love?"

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