Page 48 of The County Fair Queen

"You don't?"

I had this. I knew I did. When I reached the establishment, he would simply hold the door for me, watch as I entered, and then he'd head over to city hall and do his actual job. The job this city elected him to do. Not slack off and gallivant around town, enamored of a onetime celebrity. I mean, for God's sake, did the man ever actually work?

That question was answered for me when a short, waiflike woman who was wearing far too much cerulean blue eyeshadow jerked the door open so widely that it crashed against the wall.

"Mayor Rivera," the woman said, all smiles and teeth. "I thought you said you couldn't make it this morning?" She pulled out her phone and thumbed through her day-planner app.

"Didn't think I'd get to. We were having breakfast, but apparently Phillip is a client of yours and forgot he had a session scheduled. Figured I could join you both, if that's alright."

The woman—Eulah, I presumed—stared at me; her face, the embodiment of confusion. "A client? Phillip Firecracker?"

I gave her a pleading look with my eyes. She must have sensed my desperation, because without a second thought, she offered me a clipped nod.

"Signed up last week," she said, beaming with pride.

"Did he now?"

Another nod. "Sure did." And then I caught sight of something else flashing across her face. The same opportunistic look they all got. Eulah was grinning ear to ear, peeking over my shoulder, trying to spot the camera crew. She didn't have to wait long, as the studio's door slammed open yet again, and Brenda/Carole stormed toward us like the most vicious of tropical storms.

"Where the hell do you get off?" she asked, taking a hit off her vape and intentionally blowing the steam into my face. Today's selection wasn't nearly as aromatic as the ones from before. There was a thick, musky smell that reminded me of body odor someone had attempted to mask with an ungodly amount of cologne. "You don't end a scene and skip around town on a whim without letting me know. That's not how this works. Time is money, and you're costing me both." She took another hit off her vape as she reached into her jeans and pulled out a loose pill from her pocket, swallowing it. "You want to change locations? You run it by me first, understood?"

"Sorry," I said, mainly because I really was, but also because she looked like she could drop-kick my ass from Texas to Tennessee in one go. "Won't happen again."

She clapped her palm against my shoulder. "We've got to work together, okay? We're a team. Hell, who knows, if this pans out,there may even be a chance at a second season. We have to trust each other."

I swallowed the mouthful of saliva pooling in my mouth. "I promise. From here on out." A second season? Would it be in Tallulah? Did that mean I'd get to come back and spend more time with my mayor?

Themayor!

Not mine. He isn't mine. Jesus, Phillip, pull yourself together.

As the crew set up for their shot, Rivers walked to the back of the establishment, toward a hanging curtain that led to the changing rooms. When he was behind it, revelation struck. I didn't have any yoga clothes with me. Thankfully, Eulah assured me she had"the perfect outfit."Ten minutes later, as I stared on in horror at my reflection, I realized her sense of fashion was about as useful as an evangelical championing human rights.

She'd given me a hot pink pair of yoga pants that clung to me like a second skin. Normally, I'd have been fine with that. My ass was my greatest asset, after all. But then I'd caught sight of the photograph plastered across the fabric now covering my butt. It was an image of Eulah wearing a neon-green headband. In the portrait, she was flashing a toothy grin, and beside it, there were a set of words that made the mid-morning waffle I'd devoured rise in my esophagus.

"You'll be yellin' 'Eulah' in no time,"the image said. Then, because my life was simply one catastrophe after another, I noticed the front of the yoga pants.

No. Not in this lifetime or the next.

The entire length of my penis was on display. Every inch. Even the curve of the head was fully outlined. I was pretty sure if I looked hard enough, I could count each and every pubic hair. There was a woman's poncho that had been carelessly flung over the side of a chair. I didn't know who it belonged to, and at that moment, I didn't give a damn. It could have been covered withlice for all I knew, but pubic lice sounded more enticing than giving all ten viewers—and Rivers Rivera—a peak at my whosits and whatsits.

I fastened the poncho around my waist like the world's most poorly designed skirt; so loose around the edges I had to tie a knot in the fabric just to keep it up. To complete the ensemble, she'd given me a shiny silver crop top that covered little more than my nipples.

All in all, it wasn't the worst outfit I'd ever worn. On the bright side, Rivers hadn't brought any clothes with him either, so he'd probably been given something similar to wear. Taking one last look at the abomination in the mirror, I sighed.

Stepping out of the dressing room, I expected to see Rivers' VPL. Instead, sitting in a lotus position, Eulah was breathing heavily. Her eyes were closed as she meditated, and between her legs, the outline of her vulva was on display. I would have offered her my poncho, but at that moment, I was more concerned about my visible penis than the outlined image of her vagina.

Shortly after, Rivers popped out of his changing room. My eyes dipped down, but instead of unbearably tight Lycra, he was wearing a pair of faded sweats that had been cut off above the knee. He had on a red Nike t-shirt that said'you're faster than you think,'and as I opened my mouth to point out the fact that he was essentially admitting to being a one-pump-chump, he smirked and threw me a wink.

"Don't worry," he said. "This shirt couldn't be further from the truth."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," I said, averting my gaze toward Eulah. Without warning, his hand crashed against my poncho-covered ass.

"Here's hoping I get the chance to show you. You look adorable, by the way," he said before sauntering off, leaving me in a state of bewilderment.

"Alright, boys," Eulah called, eyes still squinched tight. "Are we ready to begin?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," Rivers said with a knowing smile. Ahead of us, Brenda/Carole was making wild hand gestures, telling us to amp up the drama, but I wasn't sure how I was supposed to make a yoga session entertaining for the mindless masses.

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