Page 3 of The Cleaner

"No," I say, trying to hold back my tears as I hear the front door open. "They're here. Thank you."

"You did amazing," she repeats before I hang up.

I step back, my mind going numb as the paramedics rush into the room. I press myself against the wall, sliding down until I'm sitting on the floor. Tears stream down my face uncontrollably as they place paddles on her chest and start shocking her body. Each jolt causes her to convulse violently, but there's no response from her. My thoughts race, trying to make sense of what's happening.

But then it hits me—she's gone. She's really gone.

How could this have happened? She was happy today. She was finally happy. How did this happen?

Did I do something wrong?

Guilt and self-blame consume me as I watch helplessly while the paramedics shake their heads in defeat. In that moment, my world shatters and everything becomes a blur.

How will I go on without her?

Chapter

Two

LISA

"Sweetheart,"Dad says as he wraps me in his arms, Ma's blood coating my clothes.

I lost it when she was brought into the hospital. I didn't want them to take her from me. I didn't want to be alone. I practically jumped onto the gurney, wanting to be with her. I can't wrap my head around the fact she's gone. That she's never coming back. How do I carry on? She was my ma. I loved her so very much and now I'll never see her again.

"It's going to be okay," Dad promises me.

But I don't believe him. How can it be okay? Ma's not here. What happens next?

"What did you say, sweetheart?" he asks, and I realise I said my words out loud.

"What happens next?" I say. My voice sounds hoarse and it makes me wince.

"You'll be with me," he says roughly. "God, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."

"I don't want to go with you," I say evenly. My heart is broken. "I want Ma."

His arms tighten around me, painfully so, but I welcome it. "I know, baby, I know. I wish she were here."

"Please, Dad, please don't make me come with you."

I can't bear the thought of being around him and Tanya. Not today, not right now. I just can't deal with it. My breathing starts to deepen and my vision begins to blur as I struggle to breathe. The thought of being stuck with them both while my ma is lying in the morgue hurts me.

"It's just me, sweetheart. I promise it's just me." He presses a kiss to my head, rocking me in his arms. "I swear to you, Lisa, it's just going to be me."

I nod. "Okay," I cry against his chest. "Okay."

He doesn't release me. He continues to hold me, to rock me, whispering that everything will be okay. I wish I could believe him. I wish I could trust him. But I don't. I feel so numb and so broken. I don't know what to do.

It takes a while but Dad leads me from the hospital and into his car. I look out the window, watching as the city of Dublin passes us by, but I don't see any of it. My mind is replaying images of Ma lying so lifeless on the bed, blood covering her bedding from where she bled out.

Tears leak from my eyes as I realise that she lay dying while I was reading. Had I checked on her earlier, I could have saved her. I think that guilt will stay with me forever. I could have saved her. I should have.

"We're home," Dad says.

I flinch at his words. No, this isn't home, not my home. Then I realise I no longer have a home. Ma's gone, and so is everything I once knew.

The car door opens and Dad's there, helping me out and putting his arm around me. He steers me into the apartment, not letting me go.

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