Page 84 of A Seed Of Peril

I envisioned my mom and Nadia freaking out together about being grandmothers. I imagined Nadia gushing about how proud she was, especially of her son. It made me laugh and then immediately stabbed me in the heart and twisted on its way out.

I fought off tears before they gained momentum, finding myself at my baby boy’s wooden crib.

Its simple coat of white contrasted perfectly with the pale blue walls and dark blue molding.

Was I ready for the sleepless nights? Was Dominic?Staring into the crib made things so much more real. Soon, he would be looking up at me from inside it, no longer kicking and moving inside me. I swept the maroon chiffon fabric of my open split maternity gown off my belly and felt around my lower abdomen, sweeping my hand up along the middle.

“I’m tired of carrying you, little big dude,” I said with a smile. “I can’t wait to hold you.”

On the wall his crib stood against, a rustic, gold king crown was mounted above, fine mesh secured up inside that draped over the top of the crib. A capital V in a decorative font was placed just below the crown.

Vincenzo was indeed in line to be king of his father’s empire. We wanted him to live a life without worry, fear, and having to constantly peer over his shoulder for threats, but we knew that was impossible. We at least had confidence security would keep him safe in our absence. I just wished he could live freely. We all did.

“So… You gonna tell me why you look like you’re fixing to cry into that quilt?”

I’d been so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t even noticed Dino standing in the doorway, leaning against its frame with his arms crossed.

Briefly closing my eyes, I swallowed away another round of tears, his expression in itself telling me not to bother trying to lie. He’d see through it.

“Will we ever be free?”

Dino waited a beat before he asked, “What?”

I opened my eyes and skimmed my fingers over Vincenzo’s baby quilt his grandmother made, the blue hues soft against my fingertips. Her time, energy, and love that went into quilting this brought me to tears the day she showed it off.

“Free to live. Free from fear.” I touched the top corner of the chair.

“You can’t spend your entire life living in fear, Lil.”

Tucking my hands along my lower back, I walked away from the crib and headed for my rocking chair off in the corner. It was my idea to save a space above it for a framed collage that I wanted to fill with Vincenzo’s first photograph, his footprints, and either pictures of me and Dominic, or maybe also a pregnancy photograph.

“Bullshit. We’ll always look over our shoulders for the rest of our lives.” I placed my palm on my belly. “How is that fair? My son deserves a life where he can live and play in peace.” Choking up, I shook my head at my lousy attempt at shaking off this recurring guilt. Looking down at my belly, I drew in a shaky breath. “I know Vincenzo will never have a normal life, so why can’t I shake this?”

“Because mothers always fucking worry.”

My humorous smile broke through. Positive that I curtailed any and all urges to cry, I turned around and looked at Dino, both my hands again supporting my lower back.

“I’m scared that any one of you won’t come back when you leave on your trips.”

“This is about the Russians, ain’t it? Dom told me about the chokehold they’ve got on you.”

Refusing to let myself get lost inthatsea of emotions, I looked away from Dino, focusing on my feet.

“As far as those fuckin’ contracts go, don’t stress; we got those. Second, yeah, Vin won’t have anormal lifethe way you see it, but he’ll still have as good a life as we can give him. You know Dom will do anything in the fucking world to make that happen, and so will we. So, stop torturing yourself with false scenarios and conjectures, will ya’?”

Smiling discreetly as I began lowering myself into the chair, I said, “Easier said than done.”

“Just try, alright?”

Chuckling slightly, I looked at Dino as I got comfortable. “Okay.”

“So… You ready for this?” Dino asked, eyes wandering the room.

No, I wasn’t. Not without them. I stared down at myself, grappling with letting him into all of that.

“Lil?”

I lovingly touched my belly. Dino entered Vincenzo’s room amid the loud silence. I stood tall in my fight not to cry as he held onto the arms of the chair and brought himself eye level with me. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but if I did that, that dam would break.

---