Page 61 of A Seed Of Peril

Was I ready for this? Would I ever be?

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Her gift restedin my hands. I brushed its leather with my thumb, sweeping over the bottom corner in a diagonal motion, almost mindlessly at this point as I stared at it. I had kept it tucked away, too emotionally weak to touch it. Until today. Until life became too much to handle, and I needed a healthy outlet.

Nadia needed to be here. My parents needed to be here. I needed them. Bianca just wasn’t suitable enough today. Her words and her wisdom weren’t what my heart needed. What my heart needed were the pages I poured my soul into. The pages of a sacred place I found solace in, where I could reach out to those that gave me strength. Hope.

Blowing out a shaky breath, I opened my journal to a new page, staring at its cream paper. The last time I wrote in this was on the night of Hector’s death. I was heartbroken over his loss, and I was struggling with the news and reaction to my pregnancy prior to news of his senseless murder.

My thoughts raced. The words were there, just jumbled. Adjusting in my gray power recliner in what would soon be my son’s bedroom, I kept staring at the blank pages, my pen in my hand. It killed me that I couldn’t talk to my parents and Nadia in real time. Written words had to do.

March 4, 2017

Dear journal,

It’s not fucking fair. Mom. Dad. Nadia. Thomas. You all should be here. Why did God need you so fucking badly? Didn’t he realize how your deaths would fuck up so many of us? It wasn’t their time! And it’s not Dominic’s time or Dino’s or Anthony’s or Angelo’s, so don’t you fucking think about it, God. You hear me? Leave. Them. Alone! They need to come home safe.

I need my brothers.

I need the love of my life. I need his smell. His touch. His taste. His laugh. His gorgeous eyes. I need to hear him call me by my pet name when he tucks me into bed. I need him to tell our son goodnight. I need his protection. His tenderness. Our son needs him, too.

This mission had to happen, but I don’t like it. The bad guys had to be stopped. Too many enemies have already taken too much. We can’t let any more gain any kind of upper hand. Look what happened in the past. No, they can’t get ahead. We can’t let them take anything else from us.

I don’t even know what to fucking say. It feels like I have nothing and everything to say all at once. I don’t know how to get the words out, even this way. It’s not the same. I don’t want to write letters to ghosts. I want to call them. Hug them. I’m going through so much without all of you, and I don’t know how I do it.

Mom, how did you survive pregnancy? How did you deal with your fears? All this discomfort? Did you also worry that you wouldn’t be cut out for this mothering thing? Because sometimes, I feel that way, like I don’t know if I can handle all the responsibility. I know that’s silly, but all of this has happened so fast, it feels like I haven’t been able to catch my breath yet. Literally.

Is Nadia keeping you company up there? I imagine you two are the best of friends. She would’ve made an amazing grandmother. Much better than the one I ended up stuck with. How about Dad; is he still crazy about you? Now, that was a stupid fucking question; of course, he is! The deep love and strong bond you both shared reminds me of the way me and Dominic are.

I love him so much. I can’t picture life without him, which is why I desperately want him home. If he’s here, I’ll know he’s safe. And alive. We still need to get everything ready for our baby. I can’t do that alone. Dominic’s so excited to be a daddy. I’ve dreamed of the moment he holds our son for the first time, and it’s always the most beautiful sight. It makes me teary just sitting here thinking about it.

Please Mom, Dad, Nadia, Thomas, and hell, even Hector… Please keep an eye on Dominic and our family. Shower them with your protection and strength. They need to come home.

For the love of fucking God.

L.M.W.

As I cried my few remaining tears, I closed the journal and tipped my head back against the headrest, eyes closed, taking it all in. Penning those words was a spiritual and emotional cleansing long overdue. I tuned in to my son’s movements, smiling. These past few weeks, I had thought more seriously about what to name him. I came up with a first and middle name, growing attached to them. I hoped Dominic would like my choice, too.

Dominic…

I missed him. Severely. This place was too quiet without him and our brothers. Bianca was also becoming restless with his absence. We both worried about him. We both wanted him and everyone here and safe ASAP.

Yawning, I stretched in my recliner, wondering what else I could do today to pass the time. The closer it got to Dominic being away for two weeks, the longer the days felt. Time moved slower than a slug.

I could play with Katrina.

Maybe soak in the tub.

Take a nap?

Yeah… A nap sounded wonderful. Last night, this pregnancy was hell on my back. My son decided it would be fun to make himself comfortable on my sciatic nerve. I ended up in tears from the pain and asked Bianca to bunk with me. She helped me find a position that eventually forced the baby to move, and then, he found entertainment in kicking my bladder.

It was a no-win situation, and I dreaded the worsening aches and pains as his birth approached.

Sighing, I pressed the button on the miniature remote with this chair to tuck the reclining piece back into place. Once safe, I put the remote in the built-in pocket on the side and carefully stood up. My lower back and hips ached under the pressure my son created the bigger he grew, the belly band I religiously wore no longer providing as good of relief. I needed to ask Julie if they had better bands on the market or if she had any more helpful tips to combat the aches and pains.

I picked up my journal, pen, and cell phone and made my way to the door. Maybe Bianca, Katrina, and I could have some kind of slumber party tonight. Yeah… That was a distraction all of us would enjoy. Katrina had been wanting to sing to the baby anyway. It was adorable.

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