Page 97 of Drift

“But you heard what I did in there. It’s not just how he’s supposedly found a way to push Martin back and hurt them both in the process and bridge that silence. By not taking the meds,he’s just acknowledged he’s prepared tokeephurting himself and Martin in order to bridge that quiet.”

Halliday nodded. “That’s a serious concern. So too is why it’s happening.”

Gray frowned as Halliday glanced down the corridor, no doubt to see if Jack was close.

“You already know that there are numerous areas to DID,” Halliday said quietly. “Multiple personality disorder is one, dissociative amnesia is another, and Jack crosses both of those with Martin and his missing memories. The third part to it all is depersonalisation and derealisation. With derealisation, it can make the world seem unreal, or like the patient is looking at life through fog. That’s why Craig asked if there was any visual disturbance. Yes that’s a sign of high blood pressure, but it would have also opened up the possibility of derealisation too. But where Jack isn’t showing signs of that, he is presenting with the first: depersonalisation.”

Something hit a nerve in Gray. Jack’s drop in feeling… a look in his eyes that pushed him to a distance, away from Gray when it came to security. “Meaning?”

“When he destabilised two years ago to what happened with who was behind the gas attack, there was no Martin, no alter there to handle the hurt for himlikeMartin would. Martin backed off. Now usually when an adolescent first presents with DID with no alter formed, they’ll use the likes of an inanimate object, like a stuffed toy, in order to cope and talk through. So with Jack, having no Martin, in comes depersonalisation: or more life through the lens of a security system and this latest need to receive communication backthroughthe audio. In order to cope, Jack sees himselfasthat security camera: no emotional attachment, no fear, just a system that needs eyesand audio to communicate danger that he thinks Martin can’t… or won’t see…. And if Martin doesn’t switch and is seen to not react to dangers, or he’s seen to react in a way that goes against the security systems program: like Martin has with Jude, Jack triggers his own ‘security’ system to step in, regardless of the danger and emotional repercussions.”

Like going after Chris, hitting Ray… then going head-to-head with Gray. “And if the security camera in him continues to see Martin as flawed, because we all know there’s no cure for DID?”

Halliday held his look, not saying anything for a moment. “Mastery over the past can be used to heal what comes in the future. But mastery of the present can rewrite everything once past.”

“Orwell,1984.” It came so quietly from back over by the hall, and Gray looked over Halliday’s shoulder. Jack rested against the door as Jan followed him in. “Or a paraphrase of,” added Jack.

“You know the paraphrase?” Halliday looked his way. “If I remember, fiction isn’t your thing.”

Jack frowned. “There’s a novel open in our bedroom. I can picture that. The line’s visible too. Felt like someone was asking what the title was.”

Jan had been the one asking the question. Martin had been the one reading Orwell’s novel,1984right before Light’s gas cannister had hit their bedroom.

That… that was one of Martin’s memories there….

Fuck. The security camera at work, struggling to adjust the audio.

Jan looked Gray’s way, recognition hitting his eyes as well.

Jack gave such a deep sigh and rubbed at his head. “I’m not out to rewrite past, present, or future templates, Doc. I wouldn’t know where to start, not when it comes to Martin.” He looked up. “I just need to know I can still count on him to get us through the now without fucking it up again, and the emotionless distance of a camera helps.”

Jan went to say something, but Jack shook his head, his frown serious.

“This is something between me and Martin, Jan, it’s not for you or Gray to translate between us. It’s not something I can trust the usual video link set up for me and Martin to usually use either, because fuck knows he only plays head games there with me as well,” he said gently. “So I think the Doc’s talking sense. Depersonalisation lets me see the danger so bloody clearly through my own internal security system, but I don’tfeelmy way through it. And that’s when it’s dangerous for me: not caring, not feeling things when I know I should.” He snorted. “IfeltMartin back there. And that’s what I need in on, because I’ll damn well take any way back into feeling around Martin in order not to fuck up on my part again and let either of us put you or Jude under threat.” He looked Gray’s way. “So bear with me on this, please. It’s not about taking Martin down, it’s about finding a way back into feeling so we both don’t fuck up again and hurt anyone around us. I don’t trust Martinwithanyone around me.”

Gray went over and stopped by him, and a brush of the back of his hand went to Jack’s jaw before he ran a touch along a strand of cowlicked black hair. “May I ask one thing? Please, stunner?”

Jack nodded, then closed his eyes to the stroke of hand down his jaw.

“Don’t pull him back,” he said quietly. “Don’t keep hurting yourself overholdinghim back. Give both of you time to feel and work your way through this, because if you make it a fight, he’ll do what he’s designed for and fight back, locking you both in a war that’s starting to hurt you physically. Jude—”

“He stays away from us, from here, Gray. And I mean that.” Eyes stayed closed but a drop of emotion came with it, a pull back to… avoid feeling. “He can’t be exposed to what goes on in here. You give me that one thing, please. Just that one goddamn thing.”

Almost forgetting Halliday was there, Gray brushed a kiss at Jack’s lips, and the return came only a second later: warm, tender, almost… almost the need to hide in Gray away from the world, and fuck… Grayneededthis. He’d missed this side of Jack so damn much.

“Yeah. I promise,” he mumbled quietly, slipping an arm around Jack’s neck and pulling him in. His hold took Jack out of sight of Halliday as he let out an unsteady breath. He glanced back eventually. Halliday had headed outside, and Jan came over, kissing at Jack’s head.

“Because of what he might have been involved with, we need surveillance on Jude and his crew on a culler basis.” Gray eased back and looked at Jack. “If we do have to get in contact with him, it will only be to talk away from here, nothing more. Are you going to be okay with that? Because I know Martin. He’ll want a say in it all. Like I said: don’t make this a fight between you two, because he’ll do what he’s designed for and fight you.”

Jack ran a hand through his hair, then rested a look on Jan. “Yeah,” he said quietly, then he found Gray again. “I’m okay with that. But only that: culler business and safety. You keep him away from here. Martin threw his head out enough to gethim running blind into his streets, and Martin will run just as blindly and aggressively out into them to make sure Jude takes no damage, and he has a history of nearly taking you all down when it comes to end goals and kids.”

Gray roughed a kiss at his cheek. “I’m here to keep an eye on all of us. You focus on you and Martin and sorting this somehow.”

Because a war with Martin he didn’t want, not over Jack. Ever.

“So… walk me through it all again now my head’s a little clearer,” said Jack, but something in his eyes as he watched Gray seemed… off. “Tell me again why you think it’s vital you need to watch Jude and whichever crew he runs with?” He rubbed at his head, looking like it hurt again, looking almost as if Martin turned his ear their way too. “What’s he gotten himself into. What’s the threat?”

Chapter 29

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