Page 57 of Drift

Gray looked at him.

“And if he failed over letting you in,” Jack said quietly, “what defence do I have left against anyone else? What use is he as a defence anymore even if he does come back?”

NowGray started to see the real core turmoil, to understand.

This hadalwaysbeen about security, but not Gray’s loss of it.

Jack’s.

What they’d taken from him: routine. Safety in numbers….

No wonder it had taken so long to sort it in his head. Every routine he’d known: dropping his photo, the need to clean, talking to Gray, it all became another outlet to ignore in order to trigger Martin, get his core security back. Because he hadn’t touched that photo in months. He’d missed nightly showers after workouts…. He was back to denying OCD routines, but this time not to hide from the hurt, to displace his own head enough to draw Martin out. Only finding out about Jude… it really had displaced Jack’s head. No. He wouldn’t have spoken to Halliday about it because Halliday would have tried to be the cure he wasn’t looking for at each no show under Halliday’s therapy. He’d needed Martin back, only now, the anger of Cutter, supposed secrets, sleeping with a woman, having… Jude?

“Just feels…” Jack frowned so badly. “Reactions and my skin crawling. It’s all I’m running on, and I’m scrambling around trying to build my own defence system up. So yeah.” He nodded. “I push into your security, dig so deep under your skin because… because fuck you for taking that barrier from me. Fuck Martin for allowing it. Fuck you for feeling for each other and making me feel like I need to step up to be my own security and steal files when a familiar name crops up. That I want to break Chris’s neck for threatening mine. That’s what Martin was designed for. It’s what you are designed for. It’s what I loveyoufor.”

Gray roughly slipped an arm around his neck, pulling him close, so damn close.

He hadn’t meant for this. Christ, if he’d known… he’d have denied Martin’s touch at every goddamn turn.

“With the kid?” Jack returned Gray’s hold. “I’m scared, just so fucking scared, Gray. And it’s got fuck all to do with him carrying Cutter’s blood.”

Gray frowned as he looked at him.

“What if he’s got the best of Martin, eh?” he said quietly. “What if he’s got the best of me and he’s turned out okay no matter how dark it’s got for him? But by starting that search, we fuck up his life?” Jack buried his head in Gray’s shoulder. “I mean… this place. It takes the best down and locks them in padded rooms. Look at Jan… Light. And me… I can’t even get my own head to stop thinking I need to step up and be what I wasn’t bloody designed for, all to survive against you.”

“Fuck.” Gray brushed his nose along Jack’s cheek. “I swear to God I’m not your threat anymore. All my push on security over the years… Christ. I never meant to tear yours down, stunner.”

He kissed at Jack’s cheek, unable in many ways to look at him. Jack had such a big bloody heart, and Gray should have known his head would rather keep Jude away than risk seeing him lose his own head to all the details playing around here. Gray had done the same with trying to keep Light away. “I know what I’ve done,” he said quietly. “You have my word we’ll make sure any checks on Jude take into account everything playing around him, even if that means staying out of his life. I’d have never taken a step into it without your say so. But please… please for god’s sake, stop and think. Slow your head down, slow your reactions. Lost….” He kissed Jack’s jaw and screwed his eyes shut over where Jack’s head had gone. “I really don’t give a fuck about Chris. I could have lost you if that crash had turned out differently. We could still lose Jan because of it. And yeah, in the back of all that, there’s Martin to think about. A kid.”

Jack groaned, sounding so pissed off as a cough drew Gray’s attention back to the door.

Jan stood leaning against it. He looked pale, cold, and Jack groaned again in Gray’s throat for a moment before he pulled away.

“Soft lad—”

Jan didn’t back off, but he didn’t come over either. “It’s all good, Jack.”

“Really?” Jack stopped a few feet away to dig his hands into his pockets. “It’s okay for you to not feel okay. I just… I just really need to knowuswill be okay.”

Jan glanced around the office, shrugged. “After what I just heard, it’s all we can be, right? Okay?”

Jack dipped his head, searching Jan’s look, then shook his head. “No. You don’t have to be okay. You can shout, get angry, call Halliday in, get me arrested and call me a bastard as often as you need if that’s what gives you any peace.”

“Gray said it earlier. I need to do any of that, including calling you a bastard over this, we’ve got a problem we can’t come back from, Jack. I mean you said it: how we all know what’s at the core of who we sleep with here.”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, I know, soft lad.” He gave a shaky sigh, a deeper dig into his pocket. “So, if I stand here knowing I’m a bastard amongst everything and that I’ll try to make it right with Chris, would you still allow me in close enough to hold you?” A frown. “Because I kind of really need to find a way to hold you.”

Jan looked down and shook his head. “Can’t just be about what you need. Fucking scares me knowing what youdidneed when you went after Chris. Fucking kills me kno—” He stopped that there, and yeah, it looked like it hurt too much with it all still running around in his head. “I’m really scared how Martin’sgoing to react when he finds out about Jude, Jack. He nearly killed me when it came to Light.”

Jack frowned a lot of hurt, a lot of… responsibility?

“So could you trust me a little now?” Jan said quietly. “If you’re struggling with security, take up the offer from a soft lad. Let me handle this with Jude. Not Gray, not his security, just me and Raif.”

Jack glanced back at Gray for a moment. “Raif?” He found Jan again. “You?”

“Raif,” Jan said quietly. “But me mostly. When it comes to security, there’s four of us in this: you, me, Gray, and Martin. And me? I don’t want this coming back and catching us out when Martin does come back. I don’t want any more poisoned gas down my throat.” He dug his hands in his pockets. “All Raif’s been asked to do is find out if Jude’s alive. No contact, nothing more. But knowing if he’s out there will be one less knife for Martin to come at us with. Would… are we okay with that? You can find a way to tell Martin when he does come back and work this out between you over what needs to be done. Jude is yours and his to handle, okay? Always.”

Jack went to say something, looking a little angry, but after a moment, he gave a rough sigh, and took the last few paces to Jan.

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