Page 78 of Best Kept Secret

I kept my face emotionless, but it wasn't easy. Had he just said he loved me? I knew Beau and he was careful about what he revealed about himself. He'd never say those words if he didn't believe them.

Mira, just because he believes them doesn't mean they're true. Guilt, as you know, is powerful and could be screwing with his head.

"You're just feeling guilty," I retorted, crossing my arms, trying to keep myself safe from Beau.

"I am," he admitted, "but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. I think I've loved you since you showed up at my doorstep—and the intensity only increased as I got to know you."

"If you knew me, you'd never have believed my parents," I threw back at him.

He cupped my cheek, and my world shifted. Is this how it was to be close to someone you loved more than yourself? That when they touched you—you wanted more and more and more?

I stepped away from him and ignored the hurt that shone in his eyes at my rejection of his touch.

"I made a mistake. I was…susceptible because…." Some people walked by us, and he paused. "Can I buy you a drink somewhere quiet?"

I almost suggested he come to the apartment, but then realized that I didn't want to be alone with him, not yet. I wasn't ready.

Dr. Ryan had warned me that once I began to thaw—thanks to my twice-weekly sessions with her, a fulfilling work routine, supportive colleagues, the security of a home, and knowing Pari was in safe hands—my mind would finally have the space to process my experiences and help me understand myself better.

BeforeAmbien, I'd have called bullshit if a therapist said the stuff Dr. Ryan did to me. ButAfterAmbien, I was starting to believe that your brain could be fucked up in fifty ways without you knowing about it, and you could heal from the most terrible kind of wounds if you worked at it.

We walked into a small bar close to where I lived. It was an absinthe bar with seating for fifteen to eighteen people max. It was cozy and cute—and now I could afford to be here because I was getting paid. Nova had refused to take rent from me, which was helping me immensely. Since I passed the probationary period at Savannah Lace, I was now a full-time employee with health benefits.

I'd been worried about how much I owed the hospitals after my Ambien debacle—but I was told that Medicare took care of it. I decided to believe that, but I was quite certain that Beau had paid for my care. I didn't know how to feel about that, either. I couldn't afford it, and I couldn't afford to not have medical care—so, the best and only thing to do was to pretend I didn't know. Was I at the pinnacle of mental health or what?Not!

I ordered a lemonade. I was staying away from alcohol in the interest of self. I was wound up too tight to give up any control.

Beau ordered a bourbon.

"You've lost weight," he said to me.

I shrugged. "Okay."

"You are still so fuckin' beautiful."

"No, don't close your eyes, Mira, I want you to see who's doing this to you," Beau said as he drove into me. "You're so fuckin' beautiful that my heart stops every time I look at you."

The memory jostled my insides. "Beau, what do you want from me?"

"I want us to be a family again."

I shook my head, staring at the colorful bottles lined up on the bar, the mirrored wall behind them fractured by shelves,distorting our reflections. "It was a fantasy. See how quicklythe familyfell apart!"

"Mira, I thought I was protecting Pari."

"By bringing her closer to my parents?" I sneered. I couldn't help it. "You didn't trust me at all. I went on my knees to beg you to keep her away from them. What? You found out howcloseDaddy was to his girls? Is that why you're here, feeling guiltier than ever?"

He looked surprised at the venom I'd just spewed. Who could blame him? I was a little shaken myself—I hadn't realized I had this much anger stored up inside me.

Well, Mira, if you're gonna keep everything buried, then some surprises are going to be unearthed when you let go.

"I saw the CPS reports and thought they were—"

"You didn't trust me," I repeated. "You'd seen me with Pari, how on earth could you believe I'd hurt her?"

Some people at the bar looked at us. My voice had risen. So much for not feeling a thing. I wasfeelingtoo manythingsright now. My therapist had warned me that there would be a catalyst that would supercharge me, and apparently my catalyst was Beau. Big F'ing surprise!

"I'm sorry."

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