Page 66 of Best Kept Secret

"Kids are resilient. She'll forget me in no time."

"Were you resilient as a child?"

My shoulders stiffened. "Yeah. I was. But Pari is protected, okay. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to her. Beau won't let that happen."

"But he let something bad happen to you," she pointed out.

"I deserved it."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "I'm…you know…less. He comes from a wealthy family. He has an MBA. His family…they're all educated. I only finished high school. I worked as a short-order cook. I'm twenty-two and already a complete failure at life. I was dreaming dreams that were too big."

"Mira, falling in love with a man is not dreaming too big," she said to me, "and you deserve your dreams. You deserve love."

"Do I?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't I ever get it?" I asked wearily. "See, Ialwayscared about people. I was there for Asha, for Pari…I'vealwaysbeen there for others, but no one has been therefor me. I've been trying to hold on to people by doing everything for them because I thought, if I did, if I loved hard enough, I would matter to someone. But that was a mistake."

"What if I told you that several people have been hounding me for updates about you?"

I blinked. "You can't talk to my parents."

"I'm not talking about your parents. I'm talking about Beau and your friend Nova, and—"

"You can't say anything to them, either," I snapped.

"Of course not. What we talk about is between you and me. But what I'm trying to tell you is that peopledocare about you. They were in the waiting room of the ICU night and day, begging to see you."

I felt guilty that Beau or Nova had spent their nights in the hospital because of me.

That was their choice, not yours. Snap out of it, Mira.

"I have no idea why they'd do that."

"I think you know why."

I shook my head. "I don't, Dr. Ryan."

"It sounds to me like you believe you don't deserve people—especially Pari." Dr. Ryan gave me a small smile.

"I don't," I replied, staring out of the window. "I never did. Letting people in, caring for people…it's a mistake. I let myself believe I could be part of something, thatIcould be important. But that's not how things work out for someone like me. I see that now."

"Someone like you? What does that mean?"

"Someone like…." I laughed without humor. "Someone who has no prospects, no education, no nothing,andto top it off, tries to off themselves…that,too, unsuccessfully. Speaking of being a failure, Dr. Ryan, I failed to live well, I failed at taking care of Pari, and finally, I failed to die with dignity. Instead, doctors had to pump my stomach and jump start my heart to keep me alive."

Dr. Ryan shifted in her seat again, the silence thick between us.

"You raised Pari. You made friends. That's being successful at living, Mira. It's normal to feel guilty for trying to take your life, but that doesn't mean you're a failure."

I shrugged, turning my gaze back to her. "This whole conversation is pointless. I'm fine. I'm not going to attempt suicide again. I've learnt my lesson when it comes to people who can hurt me. My sister was smarter than me. She kept everyone at a distance. I'll take her path this time. You can't lose someone if you don't let them in."

Dr. Ryan's eyes softened as she leaned forward. "Don't you think that's a sad way to live your life?"

"No. It's the safe way…maybe theonlyway for me."

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