Page 79 of Lawson

“I know I owe you the biggest apology in the world,” I say after we've completed one round and start on our second. “I should have told you probably fourteen times before I actually did about who my dad was. In the beginning, I didn't tell you because I wasn't tellinganyonewho didn't already know. I didn't want anyone to make any assumptions about how I got my job, and even Mr. McClaren didn't know when he hired me. Now he does, and so do the vets, but that's it. No one else. But that's still not good enough, because you weren't just any other player. Not after a few weeks anyway. And I was lying to myself, over and over again. Every time you made me laugh, every time you made me feel safe, every time you gave me the space to be completely open and honest with you and be vulnerable when it came to all the situations with my ex. I lied to myself, saying that you were just a friend, a new companion that I was lucky to meet but wouldn't be lucky enough to end up with. I lied to myself and said that you were every bit the arrogant playboy the media made you out to be. That there was no way you were actually serious about the little arrangement we agreed to in the beginning. I lied to myself saying that this was all just fun.”

“Are you saying it isn't fun?” Lawson asks, his usual cocky tone taking some of the heavy out of the situation and making me chuckle softly.

“Everything with you is fun, Lawson,” I say as we make another lap. This time switching legs. “That's another thing I lied to myself about. I chalked it up to coincidence, because really nobody can have that much fun doing absolutely nothing, right?” I shake my head. “So I didn't tell you, and a part of me was terrified to give you that final piece of myself because then it would mean not only admitting to my mistakes of keeping it hidden from you in the first place, but also that this thing I felt for you wasreal. Like reallyreal. And I’d just gotten out of a situation where I stayed too long and left too late and I didn't want to become dependent on anyone else again. And even though I knew you’d never be the kind of man who demands I follow you around or do what you want to do, I was scared. I was scared of giving my heart away again and making the wrong choice.”

We switch legs again, and I focus on the ice instead of looking at Lawson, because I'm just terrified of what he'll look like when I say my next bit of truth. “But then I realized that the kind of love I feel for you is the kind of love I've never felt for anyone before. It's healthy and vibrant and consuming in a way that is motivating, not suffocating. I love you because of the way you make me feel—safe and seen and heard—and I love you because you're hilarious and talented and so damn infuriating that you actually make arguing with you exciting. I love you in a way that scares me because I know that if you asked me to, I would go to Seattle with you. Right now, no questions asked. I know the Sharks are your dream team, and despite the Badgers being my home, I would go with you. I love you so much that I've already spoken to Mr. McClaren about it just in case the moment arises.”

I skid to a stop near the exit, swallowing hard before I look up at Lawson. His hazel eyes are wide and churning, and he looks like he's about to say something from the way his lips part, but I shake my head.

“There are no obligations here,” I say. “Remember? I don't want you to say anything back. I just wanted you to know where I was at. And that I'm sorry and I know these excuses don't make up for what I did, but I hope you at least know that my reasoning had nothing to do with my trust inyou. It was about trusting myself, and it was damn hard to trust my heart after I’d given it to somebody who didnothing but abuse it for years.”

I give him a soft smile and shrug. “But then a hero walked into my bar, and I found out I'd given it away without even realizing it.”

I glance down at the watch on his wrist, reaching between us to turn it so I can read the time.

“You have to go,” I say. “You need to get ready for your meeting.”

“You really don't want me to say anything,” he says, his voice a whisper between us.

I shake my head. “I don't want you to make any rash decisions because of what I’ve said. I want you to do what you've been doing, which is think on it. I just wanted you to have the entire truth while you did it.”

I skate backward, stepping up through the exit, glancing over my shoulder to look at him one last time. “Good luck at your meeting,” I say, then glance down before meeting his eyes again. “You're weaker on that left leg. You need to do more lunges to work on it.” I hurry and turn around, wanting to leave before I can say anything else, like beg him to tell me what he’s thinking.

His laughter is real and raw and echoes behind me as I leave him standing there on the ice, my heart in his hands.

CHAPTER 18

LAWSON

The ownerof the Seattle Sharks is having dinner and drinks with me at one of the local restaurants, and has spent the last twenty minutes doing nothing but complimenting my skills and painting me a picture of how amazing I would look with the Seattle Sharks logo on my back.

It’s a dream come true, for sure. Something I’d visualized over and over in my teenage years when I dreamed of being drafted into the NHL. Hell, not seven months ago when the draft happened, I'd been picturing the Seattle call. I’d always seen myself in their colors, until I hadn't.

I love you.

Blakely's words, her reasoning, and her throwing her whole heart on the line keep replaying through my head. If she’d let me speak, I would’ve told her I felt the same way. I would’ve told her that all she had to do was ask and I would blow off this meeting.

But she didn’t ask me to blow off this meeting. She told me she would comewithme, which meant more to me than she probably even realized.

All of my relationships, if you can call them that, in the past had been purely a means to an end, because my first love had always been the NHL.

But not Blakely.

She showed me a love that was greater than the love I had for myself and for my career and for my dreams. She did nothing to hinder them but did everything to expand them. I would be a fool if I didn't know that being with her leveled me up in a way that never would’ve happened before, and from the way she told it, I offered her the same thing.

After we finish our steaks, him sipping on his red wine and me sipping on my soda water, he finally asks me the ten-million-dollar question.

“What do you think? Can you see yourself in Seattle?”

“I can see myself in Seattle,” I answer. The picture had already played out in my mind. Blakely and I would be able to start fresh in a new city, with a new team. She’d have an adjustment, earning the respect of the Sharks, but we’d be there as a unit. I’d be playing for my favorite team, and we’d both be making a wonderful living to put toward the future together.

Something sinks in my chest, an almost nostalgic sort of weight that has me shaking my head.

“Oh no,” he says. “I've seen that face before. You're about to saybutaren't you?”

“But,” I say almost laughing at myself at what’s about to come out of my mouth. “Bangor is my new home. The Badgers are my new family. And as of right now, I'm just not ready to leave them.”

“You’re starting to look like a winning team,” he says. “But winning a few games doesn't mean you'll make it to the Cup.”

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