Page 69 of Ask Your Mom If I'm Real

“He’s going to start talking about Nicola,” Bryson sighed.

“Nicola?” Merriam asked at my side.

I placed my hand on her spine and felt an electric jolt travel from where I touched her all the way up my arm.

“My ex,” I explained.

“His awful ex,” Bryson countered. “Look there. There’s a big table in the back. Wow, first a parking spot, and now a table? It’s like this is kismet!”

I chuckled at his words.

He was right, though.

Usually at this time of day, the parking lot was so full that you would never be able to find a spot, let alone a table inside. The fact that we found both was telling.

“I’m intrigued. Tell me about this ex,” Merriam said as she sat down next to me.

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest, wondering whether it was the best idea to even get into this right now.

“Well,” Bryson said as he slid into the booth part of the table. “Let’s see. She moved into his house because her lease was canceled. Then she decided that throwing parties was great, because Mia had all this room and money. Why not? Then she went to hockey games, and all you could see is her making duck lips at every freakin’ turn to post on her influencer account. Even better, she was so anal about what Mia wore or what he did that he couldn’t have a single ounce of fun anymore. It was the best day of my life when we came back a day early from a road trip and found her sleeping with some man on Mia’s couch.”

“Bruh,” Gisela interrupted. “Do you realize that your story about your ex, and Merriam’s story, are like, the exact same?”

“What do you mean?”

Merriam sighed. “Here we go.”

“Mer’s ex was a wannabe US senator,” she said. “He started dating her last year and wanted her at all the events. She tried, but working for her dad, she had to do long hours and couldn’t just take off like she might have wanted. He’s all about the appearance, perception, and persona. Mer couldn’t go out into public with sweatpants on because she ‘might embarrass him.’ Then, one day when she was going to be working late but ended up going to Tate’s place early because one of the candy machines broke, she found him fucking his secretary on the couch. He literally pulls away from her, dick still wet, and asks her if she wants to join in. But they’ll ‘have to keep their bedroom play on the downlow to protect his reputation.’”

I chuckled. “Glad that you got rid of him.”

“It was epic how she did,” Gisela kept going. “She went live on Facebook. And since Tate had been adding all these ‘higher society’ people to her Facebook page, she was friends with so many of his colleagues and friends, that it went viral.”

“Does this happen to be the US senator wannabe Tate Contre?” Lance asked.

“Yes,” Merriam grumbled.

“I knew him. I actually watched that live on Facebook as it happened. Someone had shared it because your page was public.” He laughed. “That was the best thing I’ve ever seen. The woman didn’t even act like it was a big deal. Like it was normal for her to be caught having sexual relations with her boss, and also being live on Facebook. Isn’t she some big sex superstar now?”

“You know she is,” Gisela laughed. “She was famous for a hot minute there.”

Merriam grimaced. “I could tell you now that I made a mistake filming. I should’ve never given her that kind of audience. She is like a cockroach, winding up in places that she never should’ve been. Now she’s made millions sucking dick, and I’m still struggling to make ends meet.”

“She made millions, but so has my ex,” I admitted. “One thing you can say about cockroaches, they’ll continue to thrive in any condition.”

“What did yours end up doing?” she wondered.

The waitress came up and we placed our orders for drinks and wings before I answered.

“Pretty much made herself famous on social media over her ‘hot hockey fiancé’ breaking up with her. And how she moved on and turned herself into bigger and better. She’s married now and makes social media content on her farm homestead with her cows that she has no clue how to milk,” I grumbled.

“She sounds fantastic,” Merriam lied. “Now, how about we talk about something that doesn’t piss us off? Like politics?”

We all had a good laugh at that.

“There’s just something about discussing politics and religion that make everyone not want to fight.” Eliska snorted. “While we’re at it, we could talk about vaccines and whether or not we want to give them to our future children.”

“I kind of liked having chicken pox,” Merriam admitted. “It made me skip a few days of school, and I didn’t have to go to work at the candy shop after.”

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