Page 60 of Consume Me

“You slept with someone,” Abigail says.

“Guys, stop pestering her,” Bailey says.

“Do you need time? You can’t leave us hanging like that,” Celine says.

“I did.”

“Who is it? Do we know him?” Abigail asks.

I nod, and they stop walking, forcing me to do the same.

“Is it who I think it is?” Bailey says.

I nod again.

“Oh my god,” Celine says.

“We leave you alone for one night, and you jump his bones, huh?” Abi says, and we burst into laughter.

“Well, now I got him out of my system. Time to move on.”

“Mm-hmm, sure,” Celine says.

“What should I do, huh? I already feel like I initiated it…”

“I am sure it was such a hard thing for Blake to do,” Abi says, rolling her eyes.

“Was it okay?” Bailey asks.

“It was everything I could have imagined and more.” But there’s no point delving into the subject more.

“He was quiet this morning. Maybe his thoughts were somewhere else, too,” Abi elbows me playfully.

“And don’t forget how he immediately reacted when you coughed,” Celine reminds me.

I love my girls and how hopeful they sound, but I can’t afford to be that optimistic. I always thought I would be in love, in a relationship, when I gave my virginity to someone, not in this situation that ranges from complicated to delusional.

I am so in my head that when the girls hug me, it takes me a while to hug them back. Basking in their comfort, I assure them I am fine. I just need time to accept some hard truths. Sometimes you get what you want, but in a different way or just in pieces. And that’s okay too.

Throughout the day, my mind keeps drifting back to him, as if that’s my ultimate destination. But I always redirect mythoughts. I have a future to think about—a future he doesn’t want to be a part of. I have to respect that and respect myself by not chasing after him. I am not one to play games either. We just want different things.

Some people are meant to be just tourists in your life. With this epiphany, the weight drops off my shoulders, yet a single tear rolls down my cheek.

Is it normal to feel nostalgic after your first time? I feel like things will never go back to just simple. It’s like I opened Pandora’s box, and I have to deal with what my curiosity caused.

***

I am not okay. Nope. In the last week, Blake not only kept his distance, but we haven’t talked at all. Was I that bad in bed? I don’t know why that’s so important to me, but come on. I mean… nothing. Nada. Zero.

Every time we’re in the same room, he pretends to be busy—busy looking at his nails. They’re well-manicured, and he does have beautiful hands, but should he be that fascinated with them? Or he’s on the phone, and waves of jealousy crash into me. I can’t stop thinking that maybe he’s found someone else.

He’s not very talkative with the group either, but at least they get short answers to their questions. The girls look from me to him, their initial excitement giving way to sighs.

I am still moping but putting on a brave face. I am fine. I am totally fine.

We just returned from dinner with Cassandra with no news, which has me jittery, but that anxiety comes second tothe feeling of my heart shriveling in my chest, as if winter blew through my insides.

Plopping on my back, I stare at the ceiling in my bedroom, as if it has answers to my problem. I don’t even have a problem. We happened on the spur of the moment; my desire aligned with his snapped control. Nothing else.

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