Page 75 of Sheltering Instinct

“Yep.”

“You told women about me?”

“As a parting explanation. I’d explain that I felt unfaithful to you by being with them, and that was obviously my crap and had nothing to do with them.”

“You wanted them to move on to better relationships.”

“I did. But I didn't have to do that frequently. I mostly kept people at arm's length. Like I said, anything else felt like cheating.”

Tess nodded. “Same.”

“Since you were married, that must have sucked.”

“Abraham had stage three testicular cancer. It sucked for sure, just not for the reasons you’re imagining.” She sighed. “I’m sorry for all that. For everyone involved. I’m sorry that there has been so much pain and heartache and that it seems to spread like ripples in water. Touching so many people.”

“You're not responsible for my emotions, Tess. I'm a big boy. I'm just calling it like it was for me. Seeing you, I'm suddenly standing alone in a storm with no shelter.”

“Same.” That word sat between them. Then she asked, “What happened after you got my letter?”

When he learned that Tess would marry Abraham, her choices hollowed him.

His heart was a rock dropping in a well, pinging against his insides with its descent.

Levi could guess the bigger picture was dire for whatever reason and that Tess was acting on the strength of her personal courage and sense of integrity.

Yeah, Levi understood what it meant to have an ethos. It was one of the things that had always made him feel a hundred percent comfortable when Tess said she loved him. A thousand percent comfortable that ifhewent to war, he would never get a Dear John letter.

For a long time after that letter arrived, Levi didn't give a crap if he lived or died.

He got all the ribbons and metals to pin on his uniform because he was the first to raise his hand and run into the fray. Frankly, he’d hoped a bullet found him and put him out of his misery.

But while he put himself out there, willing to die, it didn’t make him a loose cannon. Levi understood that poor judgment on his part would put not only his Team brothers but also the pilots and the PJs who’d

trained to make the rescue at risk.

If he were hit, his brothers would be responsible for his body, either saving it or transporting it.

Levi wasn't going to allow his misery to endanger others.

He credited the dogs he worked with for keeping him going. His work with the K9s was the only thing that tempered his grief.

“After the letter?” Levi asked. “I haven't gotten my feet under me since. I just roll from mission to mission, focusing on the three feet around me. Head down because there was no horizon line to focus on, I tried not to trip myself up. Yeah, untethered.” He rubbed his thumb along his jawline. “Seeing you was a gut punch, Tessy. More so because your life and limb were at risk, and I was right back in my gorilla emotions.

“Gorilla emotions.” Tess chuckled.

“You’ve heard of turning into a Mama Bear.”

“Been there. Done that.”

“So, for me, it's more like a silverback four-hundred-pound gorilla. I wanted to protect you with my life, for you to know that you were safe, for the nightmares, and the screams to stop. And my ego wanted it to be me that did it.”

She touched her left shoulder, “And your devil side thought that the reason I chose to marry Abraham was because Abraham had always kept me safe?”

Levi leaned forward to look deeply into her eyes. “Exactly. Abraham kept you safe, and I wasn't up to it.” He tipped his head back to see the heavens and to remember that in the grand scope of things, he was like a tiny speck of dust. When he lowered his head again, he added, “I believed for a time that that was why you married him. And then it occurred to me that there was more to the story, and I didn't know what it was. I got to the point where I thought you hadn't married him for your safety and your mental health stability because he would be a daily reminder and a daily trigger. But then I wondered,” he tapped his left shoulder, “the devil side wondered, why you wouldn't tell me the story? Tess, I didn't know you were bringing up the children by yourself. I didn't.” He shook his head. “I didn't know.”

“And had you known, you would have stepped in and been your guerrilla self.” She sighed. “During that time, I had the boys, and they gave me purpose. I had to get out of bed every day to make sure they ate. Did you have something? The dogs?”

“I have leaned into dogs, yes. But because the dogs kept getting rotated, I put up a wall. I’d just pretended that every dog that came through was one of those people you meet on vacation. You have a great time, you promise you'll keep up, and you all move on with your lives. I would talk to the dogs as we went out for our runs. And it helped, bark therapy. Tess, here’sthe brutal reality—for a long time, I couldn't stand being in my skin. I'm telling you all of this because I think you need to hear my experience. I didn’t look you up during those years, either. Those gorilla feelings that would protect you from anything included protecting you from me.”

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