Page 74 of In the Grey of Dawn

Lifeless.

And for the first time in a long time, I could breathe. I knew what I had to do and I wouldn't stop until I achieved it.

I remember looking down at my body and feeling weak as I took note of my left leg and the extra support in place for it.

I remember everything.

Every hit, every tear, and the moment I saw Dimitriy standing at the door to the bar I knew I could let go. I knew she was safe and so I fell.

I fell into nothingness and what surprised me was there was no dramatic drop to the pits of Hell, no Ferryman to pay the toll to. It was just her. Lila. Sitting on the park bench where I first saw her, looking up to the sun, her whole body glowing in its light. I sat next to her and she tenderly took my hand wrapping it in warmth. I felt at peace, content to spend eternity like this … until I heard the faint whisper of a woman's sobs travelling with the wind.

Why was someone crying? This is perfect. This is heaven.

My hand was so warm being held in hers until I looked down and felt the same warmth in my other hand.But no one was holding it?

I wasn't sure how long we were sitting but the sun still shined down on us. Never setting into the night, all while the sobbing continued to get louder. Something bad must have happened but looking around the park, I couldn't see any other people. It was just the two of us in the sunlight. My hands were warm. I was comforted. I was content.

Come back to mewhispered in the wind and still I couldn't find the source of it. Standing, I let go of Lila's hand to look for the person crying but I found no one. A gentle tug in my chest pulling me toward something I couldn't see.Come back to medrifted across the park until I’d walked to where I started, the sobbing growing louder and louder. The pull in my chest was so strong that I had to find whoever was crying and comfort them. I had to get back.

Someone needs me.

Turning, I could see Lila again in the distance and she stood to look at me. Staring into my soul with the biggest smile on her face and she laughed just like that day. Gods she was beautiful, but I needed to find the person in pain, the agony of their cries pulling at my soul. I have to keep looking. So with a final goodbye, I smile back at her, blowing her a kiss ofsee you soon,but not yet.

Not yet.

Someone important needs me and I have to get back to them.

Turning toward the dark I knew that Lila was safe in the light.Waiting for me until we meet again.

I remember throwing myself into the challenge of finding the person I kept hearing. Ready to confront anything that could get in my way. And then the crying stopped and I felt a warmth spread across my lips before the heat in my hand started to fade.

I'm coming, please, I’m coming … don't leave.

The soft glow of the sun flooded the hospital room and I no longer needed to search the dawn to feel her. She's always with me. Not gone, just waiting. There was someone important I needed to find in the here and now, someone expecting me to come home to them.

Charlie.

I think it was when the night shift was getting ready to leave that a nurse came in to check on me. I scared her half to death staring at her calmly. Seconds later the room was covered with doctors and medical professionals running checks and asking questions. Dimitriy arrived shortly after but still, the one person I wanted to see wasn't there. It was only once he yelled for the room to be cleared that I saw the note sitting silently on the small bedside locker next to me. My name scrawled acrossthe envelope,Pasha, and I knew it was from her, from Charlie. He saw me staring at the letter and without saying a word he opened and read it to me.

Pasha,

I'm so angry at you. So bloody angry at you. We were meant to do this together, life I mean, not become a fucking martyr to whatever the fuck you thought you were doing. I'm so angry at you that I want to scream and yell every other thing you can think of because you were meant to fight. You were meant to fight and do whatever you needed to do to come back to me. I never want to see youlike this again. I can't cope, Pasha. I'm drowning under the weight of it all and it feels like you gave up on us when I needed you to fight harder. She doesn't get to have you yet. I'm not done with you. Keep fighting. For me, for us, for you. Keep fighting and come back to me. Please, come back to me because I can't keep living without you and I'm not interested in just surviving life. Come back to me and I'll never stop loving you. Come back to me and live.

C.

That was all the motivation I needed to work on getting better. Specialists, physiotherapists, hell, I even got a reiki healer to come in and work their magic, every one of them brought me right here to this moment. Standing in a quietcorner of a busy bar, holding the woman I love, knowing she didn't give up on me, that she loves me back.

Dimitriy and I fought for days over him wanting to tell her I was awake but in the end, he understood my need to do it this way. After everything that happened with the fall out from Charlie at the hospital, I realised I was hurting both of them if I stayed away any longer. I didn't want her to stop her life again for me. She had already sacrificed enough so I was following what she said. I would come back to her as a whole man and not a broken one. For almost four months I worked every day to be able to walk without needing a rest every several steps, and each day, I continued to get better. Stronger. I had someone to fight for.

My left leg is mostly titanium now, and I probably have more metal in me that I should be classed as some sort of human-cyborg but I would do it all again to hold her, touch her, taste her. Her sobs into my chest are bringing me life and I'm certain that while I was with Lila sitting on that park bench, she was the other person holding my hand, pulling me back to her.

Seeing her walk into the bar tonight, her eyes downcast and full of tears had me cursing myself. She's almost broken. Hanging on by a thread and for the life of me I couldn't bring myself to leap out of the chair,her chair,and let her know I was there. Ready for all of her love, her hate and our future together. I wanted to watch her a little bit more, take in her beauty in a way I'd never done. She was breathtaking, she was strong, she was mine. And I will spend the rest of our lives making it up to her. I knew the moment she touched the brim of my hat that there was no going back, that this was when we started again. I accepted my past and everything that happened, I didn't need to forget but I won't let it control me anymore. My future wasstanding right in front of me and I was going to move forward willingly.

“I'll spend a lifetime making it up to you, baby. I'll fight for us every day. I love you so much, Charlie. I never want to spend a day apart from you. Stay with me always. Stay with me forever.”

The End ... kind of

Epilogue

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