Page 56 of In the Grey of Dawn

Her life was destined to be one of wonder and opportunity, not cut short because of the decisions I made to bring her into my world. I had become too confident, felt so untouchable that I never saw her as a weakness. She was what made me better because I was doing it all for her and the life we were meant to have.

I feel numb and energetic at the same time. Ice cold and on fire all at once. But this feeling in my chest, this tightness … It hurts so much.

I don't feel the tears as they fall down my face, my body refusing to let me hold this in anymore. I never processed her death, the revenge I sought barely scratched the surface of the rage and sorrow I feel from everything that happened. She wasmeant to save me and all she's done is leave me lost in this world without her.

I'm so alone all the time.

So angry.

There’s no one that can help me.

Even Charlie walked away from me.

She said I was enough for her but I don't know how I can be when I'm not even enough for myself. I'm drowning in a world of pain and I need someone to help me, to save me. Someone to pull me to the surface and let me breathe.

I just want to breathe.

Why can't I breathe?

Gasping, I claw at the collar of my sweater trying to tug it away from my neck. Taking deep gulps of air as I feel the rising sun's warm heat on my face.

I can feel her with me.

My Lila.

She's here warming my soul, giving me another day of her, reassuring me that we are still meant to be together. That she's still a part of me. I feel her but it's not as strong today,something is wrong. It's like she's just out of reach, I can feel her so close to me but she's taken a step back.

Why is she stepping back?

How can she try and leave me now, after everything I've done, after everything I've sacrificed? Does she know I've fallen in love with Charlie? I've known it for a while, the way I instantly calm when she walks into a room. The way I feel every touch she gifts me, lighting up my skin like a storm in the middle of a summer rain.

Charlie said she won't ask me to give Lila up. She won't ask me to stop loving her. So why is she moving away from me?

“I can love you both,” I sob, “I promise I can love you both.”

A cloud moves across the horizon and for a moment the little warmth I was feeling from the sun disappears. The warmth I was feeling from her, gone. She’s leaving me. Punishing me for thinking of someone else.

Bringing both hands up to my head I claw my fingers across my scalp, the pain of my nails digging in is not enough to give me any release.

I need more pain, more punishment.

Spotting the glass pane in the rooftop door, I storm toward it, closing the short distance in little to no time; and without hesitation, I smash my fist through it over and over until my knuckles hit the concrete wall the door sits propped open against.

Each time my fist makes contact with the cold hard wall I want it to maim me, hurt me beyond repair to show her how sorry I am. Let her know I'm being punished for the decisions I made, but the sun still doesn't appear.

I'm left alone in the cold once again.

Fuck you Lila for leaving me.

Fuck you for not coming back to me.

I hate you, I hate you so fucking much.

The tears stream down my face as my thoughts punish me.

Why did you leave me?

It's because I love Charlie, isn't it?

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