Page 27 of In the Grey of Dawn

“How are these so good? If this is you whipping up something quick to eat, can I try something you spend a lot of time making. Or just keep making these. I'll pay you in blowjobs. Blow jobs for grilled cheese. That's a t-shirt slogan if I ever heard one.”

I'm waffling and I don't know how to stop. This is just another thing that he does which is perfect for me. Despite me being a nurse practitioner, I'm not a natural caregiver or homemaker. I love the drama that emergency nursing brings, that every day is different but I'm also not going to go home and look after someone else. It's not in my nature to and I'd rather just fend for myself if that was the expectation.

Taking a bite of the third toasted sandwich, gooey camembert and cranberry sauce burst into my mouth with the perfect combination of creamy sweetness and I can't help but hum a little as I chew. Finally he brings up the last sandwich and I take a big bite. Based on all the others being delicious it's hard not to groan when I'm hit with an almost classic combination, a hint of tomato relish mixed in with melted cheddar cheese.

“This is amazing,” I groan, doing my best to eat like a lady and not scoff my face full of these cheesy delights. I'm still trying to put my best foot forward with him, knowing I'll stop paying attention after a few weeks and he will be blessed with my hairy legs after leaving it too long between shaving, or catch me dying my eyebrows. All the little things we do to give us the natural look that men don't realise take a small army of professionals to achieve.

“So they all pass the taste test then?”

Rolling my eyes, I groan, “Ports? Are you kidding? Did my moans not give away how good they were? How come these aren’t on the menu? It would be amazing comfort food, especially in winter.”

Rubbing his hands up my thighs, he absentmindedly strokes them backwards and forwards. A small frown crosses his brow.

“Hey, where did you go just then?” I ask, wondering if I overstepped talking about the bar.

“Are you going to keep dating?”

I'm so taken aback by the suddenness of his question it makes me want to escape. The intimacy and the vulnerability of it throws me and I try to shuffle off the kitchen bench. I have nowhere to go as he's standing firmly in between my legs and I only manage to wrap my legs around him tighter because he doesn't budge when I try to push him away.

“Am I going to have to kill another man if he tries to touch what's mine?”

“Ki— Kill? What do you mean kill? Did you kill Cliff?” I whisper. Knowing that it's not feasible because he's been with me the entire time but still, I ask the question. “Oh my gods, did you kill Cliff while making grilled cheese! Porter that's really unsanitary. Please tell me you have a good disinfectant.” I'm trying to stay calm but my voice rises until I'm practically shrieking, my once gentle whisper coming out in an urgent burst.A large smile spreads across his face and he looks so carefree for a moment before he erupts into laughter. Squeezing his hands into my ass as he pulls me even closer causing me to wrap my arms around him.

“Porter, I'm serious, please tell me you didn't do anything to Cliff. He was a dick, yes, but he doesn't deserve to die for being one.”

Looking me in the eyes, he's panting slightly as he tries to catch his breath from laughing. “Baby, I promise I did not kill Cliff. I want to, but other than what you saw, I haven't seen him again.”

“Good. So he is all fully intact and will remain that way. All fingers and toes where they should be,” I say, giving him my serious face.

“Why does this not bother you at all? We’re talking about ending a man's life and you're acting like it's just another day at the office.”

“This is not my first rodeo, cowboy. In some ways, this sort of talk is just another day for me,” I say, shrugging my shoulders at him. I still haven't talked to Dimi and I don't want to reveal that I know he's ex-mafia so I'm just going to keep my cards close to my chest a little longer.

“I make no guarantees other than he's alive. My friend sorted it.”

“YOUR FRIEND SORTED IT! What friend, I never saw anyone!”

“Well, he's an acquaintance, I don't know … I guess he's a friend. I don't really have friends and it's not like we hang out and braid each other's hair but we have a mutual goal and I help him out sometimes is all. Give him a space to work in occasionally.”

Leaning into him I rest my head on his shoulder, knowing what Porter is capable of and all of the connections he has with the mafia that I've just chosen to ignore, I can't help but wonder if I'm in over my head.

“Was it the big guy in the shadows? The one you gave your keys to?”

Nodding at me, he looks down to where his hands continue to rub my thighs.

“He's a good man. We all have our faults, Charlie, but I agree with his message and I understand his reasoning. Sometimes it's hard to leave the past where it belongs.”

“What's his message? … What happened in the past, Porter?” I almost whisper, pulling at his short hair to bring his gaze back to mine.

“I … I ... you should get to bed. You have to look after Mila tomorrow and I have to pick up another pillow.”

A sad smile appears and I know I pushed too hard. There are still so many secrets he's not telling me and I'm just as guilty for not sharing what I've found out, but I don't want to ruin the night any more than it has been. Leading me over to the bed, he lifts the jumper I was wearing so I'm naked before him again and I slide into the soft sheets. He undresses next to me, taking a seat on the bed to undo his shoes and I notice his shoulders sag a little.

Is this me, is this my doing?

Whatever it is that's weighing him down at the moment is not going to get better if I continue to pester him, so I'll leave it alone for tonight. Give him some space to breathe. Moving over to the far side of the bed I snuggle down, the sheets cool across my skin. His one bedside lamp turns off and I can feel him move in behind me, pulling my back close against his chest so he's surrounding me in warmth.

“Don't run away from me. I know I shut down and I'll try harder to be what you need, but this, what we’re both starting tonight is just the beginning. I need you even if I push you away.”

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