Page 96 of Protecting Mr. Fine

As we stood together watching the German performers, Derek and Ryan moved off a few paces to talk about something security related. I didn’t realize I was watching Bear until Jude leaned over and spoke in a low voice.

“Does he know you’re into him?”

I blinked and shook my head, looking anywhere but at Ryan Galloway. “What?”

Jude laughed softly. “It’s like that, huh? Alright. Crush city, population one. I got it.”

I scraped my upper lip with my bottom teeth while I tried to figure out how to ask his advice. “What if the city had a population of two? What would you do?”

Jude looked over at the two big, muscular guys standing together. Derek’s hair was more salt than pepper, but he was still stacked with muscle and the same height as Bear. Jude turned back to me.

“I would grab onto it with both hands and let everything else fuck off. Life’s too short, Zee.”

I felt Jude’s gaze on the side of my face as I turned back to the stage to wait for our cue to go back on for the next song.

After a moment, he reached out and squeezed my arm. “I’m here if you need me. Call or text anytime. In fact… why don’t you come to Montana and see us over Christmas? I heard you were going to be in Wyoming for an event there. We’re just over the border from Majestic.”

“Ryan’s from Montana,” I said without thinking. “I didn’t know you guys had a place there.”

“My family bought up a bunch of land years ago when the kids were little so we could all have a place to spend our summers. It’s grown into a bit of a family compound at this point. One of my nephews runs a ranch there at the heart of the place, and the rest of us either stay at the family lodge on the property or have built cabins or bring RVs. It’s like a cult… only our religion is mostly pizza, alcohol, and dick jokes.”

“And old-lady poker,” Derek muttered, walking back over to us. “Don’t turn your back on anyone during a poker game there, or you’ll lose your shirt.”

Jude snickered while Derek continued with a straight face. “And I mean your literal shirt.”

Jude turned back to me. “Seriously, though. We’ll be there forChristmas, but then we have a big family wedding weekend. So check with me about dates.”

The band onstage finished their song and called us back. Jude and I performed my song “Very Much Myself” together, and I found myself hoping that, wherever he was, young Auden Salling would hear about it.

When Jude left again so I could perform a solo, I took a deep breath and peered out at the huge crowd. “Here’s a little-known fact about me, but don’t tell anyone, okay? It’ll be our little secret.”

The crowd roared.

“When I come offstage after a show, it takes a while for me to calm down. So a little while back, I started listening to this podcast calledBear Facts for Insomniacs, and it’s a miracle at putting people to sleep. I’d apologize to the podcasters, but this is actually the point of the podcast. Anyway, if you’re at all like me, you might wanna give it a try. See if a bear changes your life like it did mine.” I grinned wildly. “In fact, I have a new song about a bear. It’s called ‘Sanctuary.’”

The band began the intro as I tried to settle my nerves.

Jude’s words swam in my head as my heart filled with thoughts of debuting this song in front of Bear.

I would grab onto it with both hands and let everything else fuck off. Life’s too short, Zee.

He was right. I wanted a life with Ryan. I wanted the world to know he was mine and I was his. After tonight, I would need to find a way to talk to him about it, to figure out how we could be together without being quasi boss-employee.

Just as it was time for me to begin the lyrics, I turned to the wings and caught Bear’s eyes.

And then I opened my mouth and sang.

TWENTY-FOUR

RYAN

Every bear has a den, a sanctuary hidden deep in the wilderness where it feels safe. A den isn’t just a shelter. It’s a home. A place filled with memories. A place where it feels safe. The sanctuary defends the bear… and the bear defends his sanctuary just as fiercely, with every ounce of its considerable strength. For a bear, home is sacred, and nothing crosses that line unchallenged!

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 87

It was eye-opening to see Derek Marian demonstrably in love with his celebrity husband. I’d spent so long in the closet in Ventdestine I hadn’t been around openly gay couples much.

Honestly, I couldn’t stop staring at them. Watching them be physically affectionate made me want to be able to do that with Zane. I wanted to be able to touch him when I wanted, press a kiss to the side of his face without worrying who would see, and express my concerns for his security as a loving partner, not a hired gun.

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