Page 67 of Dissension

His dark, stormy eyes take in the space, across the mess near her kitchen sink, over her aging furniture, across the photos of her and Bianca, grinning into the camera-

Kara feels like he’s judging her, looking at her space. She’s not filthy rich, she doesn’t have a maid, she doesn’t have a fancy redone kitchen, none of the above, alright? But, it’s her space,the space she’s kept him out of all this time, afraid of giving him access to her life.

This man. Thispredatorwho got himself entangled with her.

Nick is in her home, gazing around with shadowed eyes. It feels like Kara has opened the final door to her vulnerability, bringing him here.

After a moment of looking around, he turns to look at her, his face a mask. “What is it you want to hear?” His voice is icy, yet distant. “You want to hear about how it started out almost normal? How I was too stupid to realize what was happening? That she was easing me into it? You want to hear about how powerless I felt once the nature of the visitschanged, how I couldn’t say anything because my mother told me not to? What aspects of my disgusting history do you want laid bare?”

Kara feels her questions die on her tongue. A part of her doesn’t want to know. A part of her doesn’t want to hear it. “I want you to let go of the story and get it off your chest. Only whatever you feel like saying.” It’s what her therapist had told her, once, when Kara was discussing her past.

His jaw shifts hatefully as he mentally gnaws on his words. “I love my mother, you know. She gave me every opportunity in life. She mentored me. Nurtured my career. Taught me all that I know today in law. I grew up adoring her, wanting nothing more than to make that stone-cold woman happy. I wanted her proud of me.” His voice wavers only slightly, a look of pain crossing his features. He hides it quickly enough. “I was young when she told me hervery important friendwas interested in being a mentor to me. I wasn’t about to say no. She told me the judge was very important to her, to her career, and to her life. That she would be important to mine as well when the time came. So, I went along with it. It started normal enough.” His expression turns bitter in memory. “I thought nothing of it. Just some boring afternoonswith a woman I barely knew or understood. I didn’t question what the interest in me might be.”

Kara remains silent, stuck in place. Afraid to move. His words remind her of how she felt -feels- about her father; hating him and loving him so completely, only wishing for small scraps of affection despite the emotional distance.

“The judge liked her toys young, as it turns out.” Nick continues, idly stalking around her kitchen counter, running a finger over it, as if checking for dust. “It wasn’t just that, which I suppose is badenough. She also likedpain. She wanted to be hurt, degraded, and demeaned in ways you can’t even begin to fathom. Things that would make you sick. The things she made me do to her. If you can think of the vilest of acts that you wouldn’t want done to you,she did want them.” He shakes his head, a horrid skeletal expression on his face. “Do you know what that does to a kid, being forced to commit such depraved acts? Itchangedme. I was repulsed by her, but like a dog, she trained me to respond in the ways she wanted. Soon, I was aroused by what I did. Eventually, the things that should have interested me,didn’t.”

Kara feels her eyes pricking, horror growing within. “…how long?”

Nick makes a derisive noise, a haunted look briefly crossing his eyes. “Years. And all my mother told me was to not say a word, that it was fine, it was normal. That I was doing it for her, so that she could further our status in life. I went through my days trying to pretend I was fine, but inside, I was fucking drowning. I could only see innocent, oblivious kids around me, who didn’t have adults forcing them into perverse acts.”

He takes a seat at her table, sitting confidently, as if he’s not bothered by his own story. Kara knows he’s hiding his real emotions, the fragile ones that he doesn’t let anyone else see. It’s what she does, what she’s always done.

Hearing him tell his story is worse than Kara imagined it would be. The things he doesn’t elaborate on? Untold horror in her mind.

“What she did was horrible, Nick. Selfish and wrong. To sacrifice her own son’s well-being, for power?” Kara allows him to see past her mask, allows him to see the devastation of her feelings on his behalf. “What your mother did to you ismonstrous.”

Grimly, he says, “I’m the making of my own experiences. As are you. But, we are not the same.”

No, they certainly are not. Kara’s childhood was wrought with emotional destruction and physical harm…but sexual abuse? No.Never. “My father nearly ruined my ability to emotionally connect with anyone. Your mother destroyed your ability to have a normal romantic relationship.” The anger in Kara’s breast begins to boil. “She shouldn’t even be in your life! Why do you allow her to have this hold on you?!”

“Because, she’s my mother. I owe her my success.”

Scoffing furiously, Kara gestures harshly. “You owe heryour success? What about the mind-fuckery of your life?”

His lips are in a firm, unyielding line. “What does it matter to you? You can’tfixme.”

Doesn’t he understand why she even wanted to have this conversation in the first place? She’s looking for a way to make thembetter. To find a way tomaybegive them a chance. “Together, we could try tofix us. There are therapists, group sessions for childhood abuse-”

“I don’t believe in any of it. I’m beyond the psychobabble, Kara. I’ve been this way for far too long. Maybe I don’twantto change.” He sneers hatefully. “You have your morbid little tale. Does it all line up with what Dieter sohelpfullytold you?” His eyes flash like electricity out of control. “Or did he leave out his part in all of it?”

“I know about the accident,” Kara utters. She hugs herself, unsettled now that it has shifted to Dieter.

There’s something unpleasant brewing on Nick’s features. He’s trying to unpuzzle her reaction. “If you know about the accident the judge faced, you must know that it wasn’t an accident at all.”

The unease grows darker, like a shadow in Kara’s mind. “Are you trying to say Dietermurderedher?”

Nick holds her gaze steadily, saying nothing.

Kara’s mouth drops open as she gets up and paces around the room, distraught. “He was just a boy! Younger than you. That’sunspeakable!”

Scoffing in that bitter fashion that he has down pat, Nick shakes his head. His stone-cut features are firm, handsome, and austere. “There’s nothing about this story that isn’tunspeakable.”

“He told me it was someone else in the stable that tacked her horse-”

“Hewouldtell you that.”

{I’m just playing with you, chickadee. Don’t look so scared shitless.}

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