Page 29 of First Christmas

“No one is in trouble. You all have guilty consciences,” laughed Lucas.

“What’s going on then?” I sat by my daughter wrapping an arm around her shoulders, even as she made a face at me.

“We need to talk to Nat about the things that have been bothering you lately and triggering you too, Becks.” Lucas spoke seriously now gauging my reaction. “She’s old enough to know things have happened that have made her mom anxious and it’s been worse lately.”

My head turned, meeting my daughter’s blue eyes even as she was nodding in agreement.

“How can we make it better?” she asked, head tilted.

Blowing out a breath, I leaned back, letting my head fall onto the back of the couch.

“None of that,” came Lucas’ voice,“things need to change.”

I straightened again, staring at both of them.

“You all aren’t doing anything wrong on purpose.”

“We know, Mom. But we want to help make things easier. So you’re not … what’s that word?”

“Triggered, Peanut,” Lucas nodded.

“You’ve talked about this?” I asked, meeting Lucas’ eyes.

He nodded, watching, still gauging my reaction.

Sighing, I conceded.

“The only thing is the messes,” I began softly, “It’s not a big deal to normal people…”

“Hey,” Lucas scolded sternly. He shook his head as he spoke, “none of that.”

I felt my cheeks heat, “Clark…he didn’t let me clean.” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I know. A grown adult. But he made me live in filth. It was part of his mental mind games. It’s just little things. Putting things back where they go, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, wiping cabinets down? I know it’s so silly. But it just…it messes with me so badly.”

Nat’s small hands covered mine, where I had unconsciously started picking at my fingernails.

“Mom. It’s ok.” She said, sounding wise beyond her years. “I’ll try to do better. I promise.”

“For that matter, I will too.” Lucas added. “And we need to start being open with each other instead of staying quiet about what bothers us. These family meetings can be called by anyone. Anytime. Day or night. We’re a unit. A family. We love and care about each other. We have to communicate.”

I was just staring at them both through a film of tears. Why was I always crying lately? I made things so much harder on myself than they needed to be.

“Thank you.” I spoke softly, my voice shaking. “I’ll try to be better about speaking up when something’s bothering me instead of just holding it in until I snap. I love you both more than anything else.”

“We love you too, Mom.” Nat replied wrapping her arms around me tightly as Lucas smiled at me.

“Open it! Open it!”

Lucas was being as loud as Nat at this point. She was working on opening her presents in our cozy living room. The snow had started again and cast a picturesque atmosphere behind the lit Christmas tree.

He had never gotten to experience a Christmas morning through the eyes of a parent and he was relishing it. He kept looking at me like an eager puppy and my stomach got butterflies watching him dote on our little girl.

She’d gotten a new pair of sneakers she’d been asking for for months, knee pads for volleyball, a cell phone case, and several gift cards. Practically breathless with overstimulation and Lucas’ antics she’d worked her way to the last small box that I didn’t remember wrapping. I looked at Lucas with an eyebrow raised and he just shook his head at me.

Nat’s fingers worked in a frenzy through the wrapping paper and revealed a white box. Opening the lid, she gasped, and immediately burst into tears.

“Nat! Honey?” I laughed, walking over to where she sat and wrapping my arm around her. I looked inside the box and immediately understood.

Inside lay two blue cat collars, complete with little bells on them. She’d begged for a feline friend for as long as I could remember. We’d never been able to have one with all the picking up and running throughout the years.

---