Page 11 of First Christmas

“Are you almost done with it?” she whispered.

“Almost,” I whispered back theatrically.

She giggled again.

“I talked your mom into letting me take you for ice cream and shopping after seeing Nan tomorrow. We can finish up your part of the surprise then.”

She nodded, “Alright. Thanks, Dad. I love you.”

“I love you too, Peanut.” I said, smiling.

Checking her window to make sure it was shut and locked, I watched her snuggle into her blankets.

No matter how many times this kid had called me Dad the past six months, I still couldn’t get used to it. My heart melted a little more every time. She owned my entire heart, along with her mother. I wasn’t sure I had actually been living before them. Clicking her light off and shutting her door, I headed back downstairs.

Coming up behind Becks on the sofa I kissed the top of her head gently before coming around and sitting down beside her. I took in my fiancee with her cozy Christmas pajama pants and had to laugh.

“What?” she asked, raising an eyebrow and setting her book aside.

“I’m pretty sure those are the exact pants you were wearing the day I met you.”

Looking down, her brown eyes lit up. “I’m pretty sure you’re right. What an impression.”

“You made a hell of an impression.” I said, resting my hand on her knee. So, what’s going on, Becks?” I started softly.

Sighing, she drew her legs up beneath her and immediately avoided eye contact.

“Hey,” I spoke softly and her eyes flicked up to mine, “Eyes on me when we have important conversations, sweetheart.”

She nodded, “I don’t know how to explain it, Lucas. Everything is great. Wonderful. It's just been such an adjustment learning to live with another adult these last six months. I guess my anxiety is amplified because of it. Plus I’ve not been sleeping because you’ve been working so much at night and…” she trailed off.

“I agree it's been a major adjustment for me too. But, Becks, if I’m doing something that’s bothering you, you should be able to tell me. Even something little. I know you are dealing with more because of everything that happened. I wish I could take it all, baby. I wish I’d been able to get to you sooner.”

Becks shook her head, leaning over and grabbing my hand.

“I know in my heart that it happened how it did for a reason, Lucas. I slayed my own monsters. I just hate that you lost your best friend in the process and my best friend lost her husband. Nat’s best friends lost their father. It just still shocks me that none of you blame me. I keep waiting for the elephant in the room to make itself known. Someone to be bitter. Someone to just start screaming at me that it isn’t fair.”

Her voice broke, a tear slipping down her cheek in the lamplight.

“I’m just so used to the opposite of what everyone is giving me that I don't know how to accept it. I can’t sleep and I’m tired. My anxiety is through the roof worrying about everything-”

“Becks, baby. No one is ever going to start screaming at you. It isn’t fair, but we know it’s not your fault. None of it is on you. Paul definitely wouldn’t have wanted you to be having these thoughts. You can’t help the actions of others. Clark and Larry are the ones that took him from us. And they almost took you too. You’re not the only one affected by that night. When I closemy eyes sometimes all I see is you losing consciousness. Not knowing if I’d ever look into your eyes again.” Now I broke off, clearing my throat.

“I know we’ve all been affected.” Her voice came softer, hesitant and unsure. “I just feel like you’ve been pulling away. You’re working night shifts more and you’ve been taking weird phone calls off and on.”

“Rebecca Wareman,” I interrupted. “Do you think I’m stepping out on you?”

I watched her cheeks flush pink and her eyes dart down to our joined hands.

Fuck me. She did.

I sighed and tugged her closer to me.

“Did you ever stop to think that it’s Christmas time? Santa’s elves get up to all kinds of mischief.”

“That’s what Mon said but we promised each-“

“Becks. Stop. I wasn’t gonna let our first Christmas go by without doing something for you. Plus, I have a little girl in on it, that’s thrilled to give something, that’s not, homemade to her mother for the first time.”

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