Page 3 of First Christmas

I took a shaky breath, standing at the top of the stairs. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in for ten seconds, and counted out to ten slowly. My therapist was trying to teach me coping mechanisms that weren’t as harmful and obsessively cleaning the same spot on the floor for fifteen minutes. They only helped sometimes.

If it wasn’t bad enough that I had post-traumatic stress from an abusive relationship and marriage, now I had some from witnessing all that I had.

Watching Paul die in front of me had broken something inside of me. It was my fault. He’d still be here if I hadn’t come to this town. Lucas had immediately insisted that I see a therapist that he knew through the force. He promised that he, and his Nan, were the only two that knew I was seeing one.

I didn’t feel right telling Monica I was in therapy because it was her husband who had died. Yes, I’d been kidnapped and nearly killed, but I felt responsible for my best friend, my sister’s, current heartache and pain. I felt like I’d stolen something from her and her girls.

Sighing, I crossed the room to the bookshelf that Lucas had put in for me. I hadn’t put many books on it yet.

Picking one, I plopped onto the couch and stared out the window at the snow that had begun falling an hour before. I was determined. This was going to be a good Christmas for everyone, despite everything that I had caused. Natasha and Lucas, because it was our first holiday season as a family. Monica and her girls, because I’d taken so much from them unintentionally.

I curled up on the couch, looking at the clock. It was eleven a.m. and I had two hours before Lucas would be home from his shift with the soup he'd be picking up. Sounded like it was time for a cozy reading session.

Chapter 2

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Nick!”

My eyes swung across the police station and landed on the empty desk across from mine. I jerked inadvertently. My brain still expected to see my redheaded best friend, and partner, sitting there waiting to bounce ideas off of or asking where we could go get lunch. Looking over at Nick finally, he smiled understandingly and nodded his head.

“See you tomorrow, man,” he replied.

I hated that. The fucking look of pity from everyone. We were a close department and everyone liked each other, but everyone knew Paul and I had been best friends for nearly my whole career. He’d gotten a job and moved here right when I’d started. I’d grown up in the community and had been thrilled to become an officer here myself. He’d met my friend Monica and fallen in love. They’d gotten married and he’d become a father to her oldest and they’d had their own daughter. I had never imagined a day where we would have to live without him. Yet, here we were.

It was a catch twenty-two. If he hadn’t been brave and went in after Becks without back-up, I wouldn’t have the love of my life, and my daughter, today. I just wished I hadn’t had to lose my best friend to get everything I’d wanted in life.

Shaking my head, I walked out of the precinct and down the street to the local cafe that Becks and Monica frequented. I glared up at the gray sky that was spitting snow down on me.

Rebecca loved this shit while I preferred sunshine. I didn’t care what the temperature was if the sun was out. Rebecca preferred cloudy weather with some kind of precipitation. The fact that it was cold, cloudly,andsnowing was a travesty. Knowing Becks, she was at home giddy over the weather.

Stepping into the cozy cafe, the bell hanging above the door rang and I grinned at the woman behind the counter.

“Hey, Lucas,” she chirped, tossing her blonde pony-tail over her shoulder.

Caroline Foster was back in town. She’d graduated college with a degree in marketing and worked for some large company in the city for years. Suddenly she was back home without explanation. Her parents owned this restaurant and she’d immediately claimed she’d rather work for them than some corporation anyway. There was a story there, her eyes had changed. Some of the light had gone out in them. With this town, everyone was already speculating and the rumor mill was in overdrive.

“Caroline,” I greeted. “How’re the folks?”

“Good. How’re Becks and Nat?” she smiled up at me, her blue eyes sparkling.

“They’re good. Becks called me earlier and Nat has the bug that's been going around the schools. I was wondering if I could get a few quarts of your chicken noodle soup?”

Her sympathetic eyes met mine.

“Of course. Oh no. That sweet thing. I hope she gets better in time for the school Christmas parties.”

I smiled in acknowledgement and watched her get to work, ladling soup into containers as I checked my phone.

“It's on the house for our favorite police officer. I also added half a dozen chocolate cupcakes for when Nat feels better.” I looked up as she pushed the two brown bags across the counter.

“Caroline, you didn’t have to do that. I can pay.”

She waved her hand in my face, laughing.

“I know you could pay, Lucas. You know Mom and Dad like to give back to the community. You protect this community. Don’t worry about it. Just get home safely and take care of your girls.”

“Well, thank you. Have a good day.” I returned, nodding my head. Turning I glared out the window, cursing Mother Nature, before stepping into the snow that was coming down heavier than before.

Opening the door to the comfortable home I’d inherited from my Nan, I kicked off my boots. I made sure to shake the snow off of everything and hang my coat in the closet before completely entering the house. I knew Becks was adjusting to living with someone and my habits tended to annoy her at times. I was trying my best to adjust how I did things. It was quite the learning curve, living with someone for the first time in ages. I could smell cleaning products and glanced around. A blanketand book lay on the couch, forgotten. This woman couldn’t relax for longer than fifteen minutes. It had been worse recently.

---